Anxiety, Friends, Life, Soul Homework, Writing

Would You Be Friends With You?

Writer McWriterson

If you met you at a party, would you find yourself interesting?

Would you sit next to yourself if you met yourself on the first day of school?

Would you pick yourself out of a crowd in a room full of people?

I’m not sure I would.

Prior to soul homework, I couldn’t figure out why I had lost so many friends over the years. Because of these failed friendships, I concluded that I was a terrible human being. Something was wrong with me. Because of this thinking, I began to approach friendships from an ego stance. I guarded them unreasonably, urged old friends not to befriend new friends, distrusted many individuals, and felt as though others were betraying me, which, to be fair, was occurring.

But now I see why I’d been losing friends over and over again. My emotional immaturity prevented me from seeing it back then; now, having grown up and completed the necessary soul-searching, I can see it clearer. By not loving myself, I was teaching others how not to love me. I was demonstrating to those friends how they should treat me in return.

However, with the same soul-searching, I can also see that we all come with damage. Our inner voices come from our parents, school bullies, well-meaning teachers, and so many other outside sources. I really think that none of us want to hurt anyone on purpose. We begin in this way. But then, somewhere along the way, someone messed up the whole thing (see above sources), and things go downhill from there.

Even after two years of soul homework, I still struggle with self love.

Why is it so much easier for me to show compassion to others than it is to show compassion for myself?

When I feel this way, why do I believe there is something wrong with myself but not believe there is something wrong with the person who is causing me to feel this way?

What makes me believe that I am unworthy of the friendships that I have?

Do any of you have difficulty answering these questions?

I’m not sure I’d be friends with the Kari from two years ago, but I would be empathetic towards her and try to understand why she was the way she was. This healing, this journey, has been incredible in unexpected ways. But it’s also so honest and vulnerable. It feels like it was preparing me for specific events that were ahead of me on my path.

Would you be friends with yourself as you are now?

32 thoughts on “Would You Be Friends With You?”

  2. Ten years ago I would have had a difficult time answering this question, but now I can say without hesitation that I’d be friends with me. I’ve come into my own as I’ve aged– and after two years of covid isolation– I’ve found myself. I’m truthful and fun– and empathetic. I’m far from perfect, but I do know who I am now and how I want to connect with friends.

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    1. I respect what you said: it took me a while to understand why “know thyself” was worthy of being inscribed on the Temple of Apollo in Delphi. It may sound like a flippant maxim, but without that, it’s difficult to have a solid foundation to stand on.

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    2. My friend Rebecca and I were just discussing about how the pandemic has helped us find ourselves. I’d love for someone to write about it (maybe someone has). I’d like to know how many people have changed for the better since 2020. That is something I don’t think is discussed enough.

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  3. I think I probably would be friends with me… but if I was relying on myself to sit down next to myself that might be tough as we’d probably both have our noses buried in a book!

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  4. I would totally be friends with the me I am today. To be honest, I’m a good friend to have these days. But you’re right, self acceptance is key. Love yourself, you’re the only you there is!

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  5. I do think I’d be friends with me. I wouldn’t necessarily pick myself out in a room full of people because I’m quiet and shy in a crowd, but I’d sit next to me on the first day of school or in the lunchroom. 😉

    I think we all struggle with self-love to a certain point. You’re not alone in that. Tim and I have been talking about that subject a lot lately.

    xoxo

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  7. I think everyone has baggage, for sure, and that it is very often easier to show compassion to others than it is to ourselves. I often think of the old adage that if there is a person who has a characteristic that you dislike, that means it’s something you dislike in yourself. That said, I think I would be friends with me! I’d be friends with you too xoxo

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    1. YES! I originally learned about this in my soul homework a while back, and I was extremely defensive when I first read it. But when I dug deeper, I found I was doing the same behaviors that bothered me in others. I wasn’t even aware of it. That made me feel empathy for people I was so angry with. That changed me.

      Nicole, I would be friends with you as well. XOXO

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  8. Self-acceptance is HUGE, and we are all a work in progress. (progress, not perfection)

    I would have been friends with me years ago, and I would now too. I’m not sure if I’d pick myself out of a crowded room, though, as I tend to hang/be with those I know already. BUT, I do make friends pretty easily, that has always been my superpower.

    Now, do I want to visit, and make plans with people on a daily basis. NOPE.
    I do love the time I have by myself. It’s a balance thing.

    Great post, Kari. I’m glad you are realizing some things from your past and making adjustments.

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    1. HUGE. One thing I’ve taught my daughters is that self-love is more essential than anything else. You can’t love people if you don’t love yourself. I didn’t discover it until I was in my 50s, but they have (learned it earlier), and that makes me very glad for their future.

      I can tell you’re the type of person who has no problem making friends, which I admire. I want to meet you in person sometime. I think we’d get along well.

      I agree to the balance thing. I’m an introverted extrovert. I can be the life of the party…to a point. I need a gap day in between my party days, if you catch my drift.

      Thank you, friend. It’s been an incredible journey that keeps going. I can’t wait to see where it takes me. XOXO

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  10. Oh boy, we are all impacted by our past. I see it in my kids, I feel it in my own head. Life is not always easy, even when life provides you with love and food and all the essentials. Things happen.

    I’m sensitive. My feelings can be hurt easily, but I’m also learning that sometimes things aren’t meant to hurt. Thinking about my hurts also has helped me recognize that everyone has their own ‘stuff.’

    I’d be friends with me. I am funny and considerate and I tell a good story. I also bake damn delicious chocolate chip cookies and I am good at sharing.

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    1. My friend, it is not easy at all. I was also once very sensitive. I think the best piece of advice I’ve gotten from all of this is: Don’t take anything personally. Keeping that in mind has changed my life, and I want to share it with others as my one gift.

      I think all of those qualities makes you a most excellent friend. 🙂

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  11. I know that the only way I know you is within the pages of this blog, but I really liked the Kari of two years ago that I got to “meet” here. Part of what I liked was her openness. She wasn’t perfect. I think she was a bit of a hot mess some of the time. 🙂 That was part of her charm. Sometimes (hard moments) I can feel such a loathing for earlier versions of myself. Damn but didn’t she make some horrible choices, from places of fear and/or ignorance and/or ego. But I find that in the moments when I can accept that earlier me–love her, actually–the better person I am now. I think loving ourselves means loving all of our selves. That earlier me had some kick-ass friends (many of them still friends today), so I know there was someone worth loving inside the hot messes those bad decisions created. All that said, I might have had to have some different boundaries with younger Rita than I would with older Rita, if she were my friend today…

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    1. Rita, I really needed to hear all of this.

      I’ve been thinking a lot about the word “grace” this past week. I found a song by a musician I like in which he says:

      what happens when you do your best and it’s not very good;
      and every word that you speak is quietly misunderstood;
      and you hate yourself for doing what you’ve always done;
      but it led you down the path to becoming who you’ve become.

      I’m getting better at loving the person I was in the past. That’s a part of my healing. But it’s not easy.:)

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      1. Yeah, I know. I learn a lot from the way I love my kids. Now that they are almost as old as I was when I made some of those really bad life choices, it’s getting easier to be easy on mid-20s Rita (dang, she was young!)–which also helps me with mid-30s and mid-40s Rita.

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      2. I have a photo of my 22-year-old self above my desk as a reminder to be kind with her, because it was a very difficult year. Also, it was a really good hair year. Just when you thought I’d evolved . 🙂

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  12. Probably not at this moment. I’ve not been the nicest person for the last few years. Probably in self-protective and just general protective mode dealing with Mom and ex. Now that that is past and I am very much looking forward to what’s next and my friendliness quotient has risen accordingly!
    I also identify with how you were before vis-a-vis friends, not having a whole lot of self-love. This is another thing I have been working on, as you have, and both of us seem to have made quite a bit of progress.
    The final part of that journey I think has led me to finally cut some people loose and out of my life who do not feed my soul or heed my advice. Basically I’d say we just don’t want to listen to each other so I see no reason for either party to waste any more precious time.

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    1. Thank you for your honesty. I see you and what you’re going through. I was not always the kindest person. In retrospect, I see it was self-protective. I’m glad you’re recovering and letting go of connections that aren’t benefitting you. Here’s to the future you! XOXO

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  13. Love this post! The poems are perfect. I really like me now. I could not have said this other times in my life. It takes examination, vulnerability, honesty and the work is never done. Why is kicking a negative mom and mean girls out of your head so hard? Why do we cling to that mess and forget the good stuff?

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