If you met you at a party, would you find yourself interesting?
Would you sit next to yourself if you met yourself on the first day of school?
Would you pick yourself out of a crowd in a room full of people?
I’m not sure I would.
Prior to soul homework, I couldn’t figure out why I had lost so many friends over the years. Because of these failed friendships, I concluded that I was a terrible human being. Something was wrong with me. Because of this thinking, I began to approach friendships from an ego stance. I guarded them unreasonably, urged old friends not to befriend new friends, distrusted many individuals, and felt as though others were betraying me, which, to be fair, was occurring.
But now I see why I’d been losing friends over and over again. My emotional immaturity prevented me from seeing it back then; now, having grown up and completed the necessary soul-searching, I can see it clearer. By not loving myself, I was teaching others how not to love me. I was demonstrating to those friends how they should treat me in return.
However, with the same soul-searching, I can also see that we all come with damage. Our inner voices come from our parents, school bullies, well-meaning teachers, and so many other outside sources. I really think that none of us want to hurt anyone on purpose. We begin in this way. But then, somewhere along the way, someone messed up the whole thing (see above sources), and things go downhill from there.
Even after two years of soul homework, I still struggle with self love.
Why is it so much easier for me to show compassion to others than it is to show compassion for myself?
When I feel this way, why do I believe there is something wrong with myself but not believe there is something wrong with the person who is causing me to feel this way?
What makes me believe that I am unworthy of the friendships that I have?
Do any of you have difficulty answering these questions?
I’m not sure I’d be friends with the Kari from two years ago, but I would be empathetic towards her and try to understand why she was the way she was. This healing, this journey, has been incredible in unexpected ways. But it’s also so honest and vulnerable. It feels like it was preparing me for specific events that were ahead of me on my path.
Would you be friends with yourself as you are now?