Blogging, Childhood, Friends, Life, Music, Writing

icebreaker – what was your third space?

Kari

jill shared these icebreaker prompts in one of her recent posts, and i like the idea.

it’s from rob walker’s substack, who wrote the book the art of noticing. each week, someone submits an icebreaker to him via google doc.

i’ll pick and choose my icebreaker from the list, not in any particular order. (in case you decide to go off of the google doc).

this is my first icebreaker:

as a child, what was your third space – the space you felt you belonged that wasn’t home or school- what about as a teen? a young adult?

before we begin, if you’re unfamiliar with the terms “third space” or “third place,” you can find a definition here.

here are two articles to help:

What Is A Third Place? (And Here’s Why You Should Have One)

What is a Third Place? Meaning, Examples, And How to Find One

for four years, every july to january, my third space was with the 90 members of my high school marching band.

according to the definition, a third space has the following eight characteristics:

1987

neutral ground– “the participants are under no obligation to be there.“

we all wanted to be there because we were passionate about music. those who weren’t were weeded out during band camp.

a leveling place– “socioeconomic status does not matter; a sense of commonality.”

my bandmates were like family to me. i was part of something bigger than myself. we were working towards a common goal.

conversation is the main activity (although it is not required to be the only activity)

music is a type of conversation…

accessibility and accomodation- “third spaces must be open and readily accessible to those who occupy them.”

we loved it when the community joined our practices, in fact, we encouraged them.

the regulars- “they set the mood and characteristics of the area.”

we were a good group of people. we had good band directors, upperclassmen to learn from, and so on.

a low profile– “third places are wholesome, cozy, never pretentious. welcoming.”

come to think of it, everywhere we went was like this…

the mood is playful- the tone of conversation is witty, playful…

when our band director wasn’t yelling at us? yes. in fact, some of my most memorable conversations took place on a band bus on the way to an away game or competition.

a home away from home- “they feel a piece of themselves is rooted in the space, and gain spiritual regeneration by spending time there.“

so much of my high school life was spent with my bandmates. so much of my hardwork was spent giving my time to the marching band. i was good at what i did and felt proud of myself for doing something meaningful.

marching band helped shape me into the person i am today.

i recently wrote a post (not yet published) about how i was never included in our marching band’s yearbook candid photos. despite all of my hard work and capabilities, it felt like the time i spent there didn’t exist. as if it meant nothing.

seniors on the last day of band camp 1987

but it did mean something. i felt more belonging with that group of humans than anywhere else on earth. and i didn’t need a picture in a book to prove it.

i think that’s why i started this blog. after graduating from high school, i really missed the “third space” that my marching band provided. i didn’t have a third space for a long time.

until I opened my computer in 2010 and created one.

and now i ask you:

as a child, what was your third space – the space you felt you belonged that wasn’t home or school- what about as a teen? a young adult?

and/or

if you’re looking for a third space, where could you make one?

Discover more from A Grace Full Life

Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.

63 thoughts on “icebreaker – what was your third space?”

  1. What an interesting concept. I like it, and it resonates. If I had to pick one, music would be it for me, however, I don’t really have a place. It’s something I’m struggling with. Even home doesn’t really feel like my place, although I do feel safe here. My library is close to feeling like a space I belong in.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Music tranports us to third spaces! Yes!

      I understand because I spent a long time in a house that did not feel like mine. (It does now)

      I love my library, which is definitely one of my favorite third spaces. These comments have reminded me that I have several third spaces. Nature, the library, and music…you are good for me. 😘💕

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, you make band sound amazing and wonderful, and I now have a better understanding of my high school best friend’s love of band (and my own slight jealousy of her love of band). What an amazing gift to have as a teenager, when we so often feel out of place everywhere. (Also, I love these photos of you. Who needs them to be in the yearbook when you have them in your life?)

    My first thoughts on reading were that I didn’t have a third space. But I suppose I did in the public library. I didn’t always talk with others there, but in a way I was always in conversation with the books I read. Once I started working there as a teenager, it felt even more like the kind of third space you describe. I knew others and was known and it was safe, in every way. Maybe that is why libraries are still sacred places to me.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Band was wonderful. Now, I’ve been away from band camp for 35 years, which was a miserable experience. 🤣

      I’m so glad I have those photos. That group photo is fantastic. I’m so glad somebody thought to take it.

      The library is an excellent third space. As you mentioned, libraries are very sacred places. If I want to get out of the house, but I’m not sure where. I always go to the library.

      Like

  3. Oh yes!!!! Blogging is certainly one of my third spaces. I feel like I have a few, these days, and that’s so lucky.

    One of them is the same now as it has been since I was a kid: the outdoors. I played by myself outside my house a ton when I was growing up, and it had all those characteristics you mention. I think books and writing have also always been a third space, although in those cases the “conversation” was with myself or words on a page. That’s okay though.

    I do find it interesting to reflect on this and discover that the places that I most feel that sense of belonging is spaces where I am alone, or where I am experiencing something with other people while we are separate. Hmmm. So maybe I don’t have a true “social environment” outside of blogging.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That is very lucky! But I’m happy that you do. 😘

      Nature is also one of my third spaces. The birds are my favorite part of my third space because they connect me to nature even when I am not able to be outside due to bad weather. And I agree that books, like blogging, are third spaces. When I blog, I feel as if I/we are in virtual open spaces together, interacting. When we comment back and forth, we are connecting in ways that are comfortable for each of us while also communicating, reaching out, and being a community. It feels safe, non-intrusive, and kind.

      OMG, Suzanne. I just read your third paragraph after typing the above. You and I are so alike. I love the concept of community, but I don’t want people standing right next to me. Unless I really know them, or I’m in the mood to share, or or or… I understand this with all of my being. 🤣💕

      Liked by 1 person

  4. What an interesting idea of having a third space. I find it difficult to answer because as a girl I was shy and generally only felt I belonged at home, more or less. Then teenage years… who knows? Maybe in the band, like you, or over at Cindy’s house? Or driving around town with friends in a car, cruising the strip?  

    Liked by 2 people

  6. as a kid…maybe the library…i was always into reading old newspapers on the microfilm readers (flash forward to 1999 and the job I have been at ever since, films microfilm, uses readers, and digitizes microfilm, that blows my mind sometimes) but I was pretty much a homebody as a kid, as a teen up until my early 40’s it was the local comic book shop, or movie theaters or date I say tge mall, as a young adult probably when I got involved in community theater, drum circles, slamming poetry, hanging out in local coffee shops. These days I feel my 3rd place is WordPress I feel a bit more introverted these days

    Liked by 1 person

  7. As a child, my third space was drama class because it’s where I felt the most comfortable and connected to people who were most like me. My tribe. Creative types. And it was that drama class in my Senior year that led me forward to pursuing a stage acting career in NYC. And I have my drama teacher to thank for that because she was the one who suggested that I ask my parents if I could audition to get accepted into a very well-known acting school in Manhattan, which I did and was accepted.

    Theater was always where I felt the most “third space” in my teen and young adult life. And it went beyond being just a “physical” experience. It was spiritual as well.

    Now, my “third space” would be anywhere outside connecting with nature. That’s where I get my inspiration from.

    Fun post, my friend! Have a great weekend! X

    P,S, Love that photo of you!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ron, I love this so much. Theater is an incredible third space. Yes, it is more than just physical; it is also spiritual. When I try to explain why I loved the band so much, those who weren’t in it have no idea. But when I talk to other band members, they get it. It’s a spiritual experience. 💕

      My other third space is in nature, especially with birds. You probably already knew that. 🤣

      Have a wonderful weekend, dear friend. 😘

      Like

  8. Like Ron, my third space was drama though in my context it wasn’t a class per se but rather a component of our language arts teacher’s practice. I found it a fun escape from the drudgery of a really crappy school that had literally no creative options other than what Miss Scurfield offered with drama.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you. And like others, nature is another. When I go cycling I intentionally take roads and paths that follow the path of our city’s rivers, to be near water and love hearing the birdsong. I like this question!

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh I was lucky to have many of them… the band room for sure (I was in chorus, not band! but we all hung around together and the room was used for both). The art room; in fact my senior year I took 4 elective art classes! Anytime I did not HAVE to be in a certain place at a certain time I was in the art room hanging out with the teacher and various art and drama students (since we often worked on painting backdrops and things for the school plays). I was also on yearbook staff, prom committee, and cheerleading and had just as much fun hanging out with those groups as well. Then there were my 2 best friends houses where I swear I could have happily hung out even if they themselves had not been at home. We would spend entire weeks over vacations taking turns sleeping at each other’s house back and forth and I knew every square inch of their houses and started pitching in with their chores even!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. That’s such an interesting question! I don’t think I ever had a third place as a child. There was school, school activities, and home. I always loved being home! I couldn’t wait to go home! It was such a safe, calm, wonderful place. I still feel that way as an adult. I don’t have a physical third place now either. I guess the internet could be a my third place. My blog, social media, and on-line classes offer me a place to be social and have fun.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I love how you couldn’t wait to get home! Isn’t that a wonderful feeling?

      Our blogs definitely represent a great third space. Your online courses? YES. All of these places allow you to socialize and be yourself. I love that! 💕

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I don’t think I had a third space as a child. Maybe as a teen, my best friend’s house. But other than that? Maybe my bedroom with my books?

    Now? Definitely my blogging circle.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love how your bedroom filled with books was your third space! Isn’t it wonderful to think that books can serve as a third space?

      I love that our blogging circle is our third space. 💕

      Like

  12. What a cool question! I don’t think I had a third space as a child. I went to church every Sunday and even though I had friends there, I don’t remember feeling like I really fit in. I liked going to my grandparent’s house on weekends every so often. So maybe that was my third space?

    As a teen, it definitely wasn’t anything to do with band for me, lol. I loved my band friends, but that was where it ended. We had a nightmare of a band director – he was a bully and verbally abusive. I was afraid of him. You are lucky you had such a positive experience.

    At that point in my life, it was my two best friend’s houses. I felt totally comfortable in both places and loved their moms. <3

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your grandparents’ home could definitely be your third space! What a lovely third space to have.💕

      I’m sorry that happened to you. Teachers and band directors can make or break an experience. Our high school band director began our freshman year, so he evolved alongside our class. Our senior year, he was saying goodbye to his first graduating class, which made it extra emotional. I can’t speak for everyone, but my experience was very positive.

      Oh, friend, I love that for you! My childhood best friend and I used to refer to each other’s moms as “mom.” I just remembered that memory. ❤️

      Like

  13. That is a difficult question for me. School was my place, so excluding that, I’d say the public library, but it doesn’t really fit into all of those characteristics. If I try to think outside the box, I’d say my friends because they have always meant so much to me and many of my friends have been with me for 50+ years. When I was in high school, my group of friends called ourselves The Five Juniors. We did some crazy shit!🤣

    I enjoyed hearing about your band experience. My son loved marching band. I played clarinet one year in 4th grade, but I quit because I felt stressed about the whole chair situation.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love how your friends are your third space! What a lovely tribute to them (and yourself). I’d love to read about The Five Juniors and your sketchy shit. ❤️

      Let me tell you about the chair situation; it gets worse. That was my symphonic band experience. But the marching band was far better, in my opinion. I’m glad I stuck around for that. 🤣

      Like

  14. My third space would be in a book..so physically I suppose that could have been anywhere. So, not sure if that constitute as a “space”..lol

    Liked by 1 person

  15. As a child, I was at home in the woods, often alone. Really anywhere in the woods was my perfect place, either on my pony or just sitting on a log. Later, it was in front of live music, either friends in bands or the Grateful Dead. Two very different places, two different levels of satisfaction. Cool prompt!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing this with me. I feel as if I were right there with you. Throughout my childhood, I spent a lot of time playing in the woods with my friends. I still remember straddling logs to cross large ravines in the woods. We were so fearless back then, deep in the woods all alone, with no phones to track us.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Great question! As a child, the woods behind our house in Ohio. My brother and I, along with our friends, spent many hours walking amongst the trees and catching crawfish in the creek. Thirty-one years later, I took a solo road trip to Ohio to stop by that childhood home. The woods were still there, and I followed the same path I took so often as a kid. Even decades later, it still felt like a third space.

    Nothing comes close as a teen or young adult, so I won’t even bother trying to think of anything fitting.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. We had woods behind our house in Ohio, too! We called it the “little woods.” The “big woods” was down the street, behind our neighbor’s house. We also caught some crawfish in the creek. Did you live in our neighborhood? 🤣 I love that you returned to your childhood home. What a fun memory for you.

      Sometimes it’s good to leave things where they are.❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  17. I love this! First of all, you should’ve been in more candid yearbook pics…you are adorable!🥰 I am somewhat familiar with the third space concept but had forgotten about it. A wonderful exercise. For me, as a child it was my Aunt Jean’s house. Spending time there with her and my cousins were my happiest times. Didn’t understand why I couldn’t live w them. As an adult it was my job at the IOP at Harvard. My colleagues were like family. Some of us are still in touch. I felt so seen and appreciated there. Today? I think it’s Italy! I feel like I’m home and where I belong when there… Thanks for posting this, Kari!😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love the idea of your Aunt Jean’s house and you wondering why you couldn’t live there. I felt the same way about my Uncle William’s house. He lived in the country and had many outside dogs! And what a blessing to have a job you loved and coworkers who were like family! This speaks volumes about your character, Donna. 😘

      I love how Italy is your third space! According to what I’ve read, other countries do a much better job with public third spaces than we do in America. I bet you saw a lot of public squares and gathering places while in Italy. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Aww, thanks. What a kind response. Yes, I think that’s true about public spaces and for instance piazzas in Italy. People are out and about more, walking places, not driving everywhere. After I responded I wondered if, or I should say when, I live there, will I still need a 3rd space?❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Kari, it just occurred to me that I learned of third spaces from Robert Putnam’s book “Bowling Alone.” He was the Dean of the Kennedy School of Government when I worked at the IOP, the place I mentioned being a third space for me. That felt kinda coincidental or cosmic when I just put it together. Love that.

        Liked by 1 person

  18. For a long time, my third space was the community center where I volunteered. But recently things have been awkward when I go there, so I’m relying more and more on my blog. But I wish I felt more comfortable at my physical third space, you know?

    I didn’t have really have a third space at all until I went to college. We lived in a rural area with no way for me to get places and the internet wasn’t really a thing yet. It’s why I read so much!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I remember you writing about your community center, Engie. I’m really sorry that it’s been awkward. I understand how hard that must be.

      I also grew up in a rural area, so I understand the feeling of not having enough to do. AND this was before the internet. I’m not sure if I would have stuck with band if I hadn’t been in a rural area with no internet. It’s intriguing to think about these things.

      Like

  19. I’ve always known about a third space, but never had a name for it. So interesting. My 3rd space was definitely my best friend’s house. She was the oldest of 7 and I always felt like I fit there. Her mom was so welcoming. We could do whatever we wanted – bake, make forts, walk to the ice cream store. My home was much more structured and our house was expected to be always neat and orderly. In comparison, I preferred my bestie’s house.

    Later, I felt the same at the houses I babysat in, two in particular. It was so wonderful to have that place where I felt like people ‘got’ me and accepted me as I was.

    I’d say my current 3rd space is my writing group. This group is so supportive and wonderful, and my blogging world.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, Ernie, I love this. I’d love for you to write more about your best friend’s house! Are you still friends with her today?

      And then finding a third space at the houses you babysat? This is the reason you babysit! You are creating it in your own home! ❤️

      I’m not sure what I’d do without all of you. It is a space I return to day after day, and it never disappoints me. 😘❤️

      Like

  20. I love this concept and it’s so new to me, so thanks for that.

    I don’t know that I had a consistent third space as a kid; for a while it might have been my Grandpa’s trailer park where I spent quite a bit of time, running the streets like a wild child.

    If I had to choose one for sure, it would be outside, in nature. As a kid I roamed a lot, either alone or with a friend or two. And of course, now, I still spend quite a bit of time in nature.

    Kari, I don’t think there is one candid pic of me in any yearbook; it’s like I wasn’t there!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can totally imagine you as a wild child. I love that. My uncle lived in a trailer, but it was in the country. I love how we both had double wides in our past. 🤣

      I spent a lot of time in nature as a child. Much more than my children ever did, and they spent a lot of time outdoors. In the woods, in our neighborhood, along the dirt roads and cornfields where my uncle lived.

      Same, girl. 🤣

      Liked by 1 person

  22. I liked this topic a lot. I have several family members who were engaged similar in high school. In a conversation with a Grandson recently, who was thinking of rejoining band, I mentioned that band is terrific social group for the High School years. It is exciting to see him getting reengaged. I so enjoyed events like when his Mother marched in the Rose Bowl parade. Band and Orchestra can be good for the extended family too. But, I was never in either. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.