Family, Life, Writing

Eight Years

Kari

Our sweet youngest daughter graduates high school at the end of this week. I can’t believe I’m writing that, because sometimes it feels like Anna just graduated. And yet, somehow, it doesn’t.

There are eight years between Anna’s graduation and Ella’s. Only eight years. For some reason, that comforts me a little, because those years feel so much longer than eight. At times, they feel closer to twenty. So much life has happened inside them.

After Anna graduated, Ella began homeschooling in fifth grade. A year and a half later, a global pandemic arrived, and all of us were changed by that experience in ways we are still trying to understand.

We lost three pets in one year. I entered menopause. Our family went through a stretch of difficult seasons that changed the rhythm of our lives for a long time. Some of those things I’ve shared here, and some I’ve kept quieter, mostly out of respect for the people I love.

age three

Ella eventually returned to public school as a freshman, and that transition was a much bigger emotional process for our family than I ever talked about publicly. As she prepares to graduate now, there’s pride in that, but also relief. Relief that we made it through some years that felt genuinely hard.

The pride I feel isn’t the kind that’s easy to explain. It isn’t about grades, though she earned good ones. It isn’t about popularity, though she is exactly the kind of friend people are always glad to hear from — not because she’s the loudest in the room, but because she leads with comfort, compassion, and genuine care.

It’s something quieter than that.

She faced some difficult years when she was younger. The path from then to now was not easy for her, or for us. There were times she had to keep going in environments where she wasn’t always understood or believed in the way she should have been.

Mike and I have joked that we should be getting our own diplomas this week, and honestly, I’m only half joking.

What I know is this: she is a strong, deeply good human being. She has had to work hard to get to this place, in ways that have not always been visible. And she kept going anyway.

Some days are harder for her than others. And she keeps showing up anyway. She is scared and ready at the same time. Fearful, but here.

That isn’t a small thing. It is, I think, the whole thing.

And still, life kept unfolding in its own way…

with my parents during lockdown in 2020

During those same years, my childhood best friend died of cancer, while another close friend was fighting cancer himself. Thankfully, he recovered.

Then my dad was diagnosed with cancer and died four months later, a loss that still feels impossible to fully absorb.

Several months after he died, I got COVID for the first time, and I think grief, menopause, exhaustion, and everything else happening around us slowly changed me too. I became less social, less motivated, lower energy. I pulled inward more than I used to.

Then Mike was diagnosed with heart failure and eventually needed open-heart surgery.

Add in the general heaviness of the world these last several years, and I think a lot of us understand why time feels distorted now. Why eight years can somehow feel both fast and impossibly long at the exact same time.

And yet, here we are. At graduation again.

Riding in 2020

A few days ago, I reread a post I wrote in 2016 called In Ten Years. At the end of it, I wrote this:

“I think, for the next ten years, I’ll move to the front row. I’ll open my eyes. Let go of the seat belt. And scream as loudly as I can. Because this time, I want to take in the view.”

I sat there staring at those words for a long time.

Because the woman who wrote them had no idea what was coming. She didn’t know about the losses, the diagnoses, the grief, the exhaustion, the fear, the ways life would crack us open and rearrange us. She didn’t know how much surviving there would be in those years.

But she also didn’t know this:

That we would make it here. To another graduation. Another ending and beginning. Another moment standing in the backyard, wondering how time moved both fast and painfully slow.

And maybe that younger version of me was right after all. Maybe the point was never to avoid the ride. Maybe it was simply to stay awake for it. Even the hard parts. Especially the hard parts.

Because here we are. Still loving each other. Still standing. Still becoming. And somehow, after everything, life feels good in a way I could not have fully understood eight years ago. Not easy. Not simple. But good.

Look at the magic of reality
While accepting with all honesty
That we can’t know for sure what’s next

Song: Visions by Jose Gonzalez

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58 thoughts on “Eight Years”

  1. Congratulations to you and Mike, Anna and Ella for making it through those eight years and yes, you and he do deserve diplomas, too! 🙂 So much of what you wrote resonated with me in the losses I’ve suffered in the last nine-plus years, most notably my mum (she died the week I was about to announce my retirement, and I had plans to spend a lot more time with her). Then soon after, a close friend died and I helped his wife navigate a very challenging estate while still smothered by the dark and debilitating blanket of grief over Mum.

    I think it’s wonderful how you open up so much and share your vulnerability, Kari, while respecting the privacy of others you love. After all, these are our blogs, not theirs and it’s only right to maintain those boundaries. Savour the moments, you have earned it all!

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    1. Thank you for this. I’m really sorry about your mom, especially with everything happening at the same time. That kind of double hit of grief and responsibility is so much to carry.

      Grief really does reshape everything, even when life keeps moving forward and we’re just doing our best to keep up with it all.

      And I really appreciate what you said about sharing and privacy. I think I’m still figuring out that balance as I go, but I care a lot about respecting the people I love while still telling the truth of things.

      Thank you, friend. One day at time, right? ❤️

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      1. You’re welcome and thank you, too, Kari.

        Grief has totally reshaped things for me. Especially after reading Weller’s The Wild Edge of Sorrow that we discussed quite a while back, and attending a retreat given by a dear friend that he themed on the book and other grief work. It all opened me up more to gratitude, a shift that carries on to this day, and continues to enrich my relationship with Mum even in her physical absence.

        One day at a time for sure. 🙏🏼

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  3. Such a beautiful post. And you’re right, life is a ride. Sometimes it’s smooth sailing through green pastures, sometimes it’s bare knuckling on a runaway mountain slope. But we hang on, and hang in and are usually stronger for it.
    Congratulations to your daughter…. and her wonderful parents for guiding her to this milestone.
    I agree, you guys deserve a diploma too.
    ❤️

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  4. Thoughtful and beautifully written, as always. We never do know what’s coming, do we? Having recently reread my entire blog, there have been several passages I’ve come across where I thought to myself, “You have no idea how unexpectedly this is going to play out.” Until someone invents an actual working crystal ball, I guess we’re all just in the dark.

    Maybe it’s better that way. I’m not sure I’d want to know everything that was coming.

    My post today also mentions the weird passage of time, so I understand completely where you’re coming from. Congratulations to Ella on her upcoming graduation. I personally think all parents deserve diplomas for ushering their offspring into adulthood!

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    1. Thank you for that compliment, truly. And this is exactly why I love having a blog. So many times I’ve gone back and thought, you have no idea what’s waiting up the road.

      I agree too—parents deserve their own little diplomas for getting everyone through it. ❤️

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  5. Oh, Kari. I’ve got tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. Good god but you all should get diplomas. Big, huge congratulations to Ella and you and Mike and Anna. One thing I realized in my years of going to graduations is that while they are mostly about the people graduating, they are also about the families that supported them. It’s almost always a group project. A+ and honor cords all around, I say. 

    And this writing, the way you’ve shared it. I just love seeing how your work is evolving. This line, especially: “That isn’t a small thing. It is, I think, the whole thing.” Yes, showing up even when we are fearful is the whole thing. It’s the thesis statement. Isn’t it so wonderful/awful when we get what we ask for? When you said you wanted the front row so you could take in the view, and then that’s exactly what happened? I love the quieter, wiser Kari you’ve become, the one who can write, “life feels good in a way I could not have fully understood eight years ago. Not easy. Not simple. But good.” I can see your meaning not just in what you say, but in how you say it. 

    Also, just wanted to tell you how much I understand that pride that isn’t easy to explain. Ten years ago my girl graduated from high school, and today is her first day at her first career job, after moving nearly 600 kilometers over the weekend to the region of her new country that was the place she’s been wanting to make her life. She is a librarian now. I’ve written a bit about what those years have been for her, but (like you) not a lot because it’s not really my story. But she has done so many hard things, with quiet grace. Your words touched on ALL the feelings I have about her/our story, and I know that’s why the tears are now spilling over. They are good tears. Thank you for that, my writing friend.

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    1. Oh, my friend. Thank you for this. I honestly don’t even know what to say except that I felt every word of it. There is something so emotional about watching our children become themselves after years of supporting them through things we can’t always fully explain to other people. Your daughter becoming a librarian, moving to the place she’s wanted to build her life… that made me tear up too. What a beautiful thing to witness as a mother.

      And thank you for what you said about my writing. That means more to me than I can probably explain today. I do feel quieter now. Not quieter in voice, necessarily, but quieter inside. Less frantic. More able to sit with life as it is instead of constantly fighting what it’s asking of me.

      I loved what you said about graduations being a group project. That feels so true to me. There are invisible honor cords hanging around so many parents this time of year.

      Thank you for these good tears, and for being such a thoughtful witness to my words over the years. It means so much to me. 😘❤️

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  7. Aw, congratulations to your daughter and you! It’s so funny how time warps and some years seem to drag on forever while others fly by in the blip of a second (or so it seems). Wishing her all the luck with her future endeavors.

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    1. Time sure is weird, isn’t it? It feels like we were just talking about homeschooling, and now your kids are grown and in college, and mine are done now too.

      Thank you so much, friend 😘❤️

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  8. Happy Graduation Day, Ella! It’s a milestone for everyone, but for others it is monumental. I TOTALLY understand about deserving a diploma yourself. I often feel as though I suffer PTSD from Middle Child’s preschool through community college years. Do not ever get my started on IEP’s and public schools.

    The great news is that you, Mike, and Ella survived! No, we don’t know what the future holds, but I hope with all my heart that Ella finds her place in the world and has good health and happiness. XO

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    1. Thank you, friend. I know you understand all of this. I’m still in PTSD mode—she still has summer school from 6/8–7/18, so we’re not quite over the hump yet. Someday we’ll have lunch/dinner/wine and so much to talk about.

      I hope for all of that and more too 😘❤️

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  9. I feel this so much. My kids are 6 years apart in age, but 7 years apart in school. So one graduated high school in 2013, and then the world totally changed. My son lost his senior spring to lockdown and graduated in August 2020 (but at least they had a graduation I guess). It was a lifetime between 2013 and 2020.
    Enjoy every minute of the graduation and related festivities. And WELL DONE to you and your husband 👏

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    1. A lifetime—YES. I hate that he lost his senior spring to lockdown. Our sweet Simone, my oldest daughter’s best friend, was also a senior in 2020, and she missed out too. My oldest was in college when lockdown happened, so it was stressful for her and for us. I remember telling her not to go to any parties that fall and winter of 2020/2021. Can you imagine?? I’m sure she probably didn’t listen 🤣

      Thank you, my friend 😘❤️

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  10. Poignant post. An ode to your daughter or, maybe more accurately, an ode to yourself. You’ve been through a lot in the last ten years, Kari. Lots of loss and grief. Yet at the end you so beautifully point out that you are still here and still loving each other. Gave me chills. Congratulations! Oh, and that silhouette photo is so cool! XO

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  12. And that is exactly why I don’t believe in those long-term (5 year, 10 year, even 1 year) goals – because we have NO idea what is coming for us. We can make all the plans in the world, but things can and do change. Not that those changes are bad, necessarily. But they are different! And wow oh WOW did you go through a lot of changes and losses. I mean – three pets in one year would be too much already, but then you lost a friend and your beloved dad. Throw health issues into the mix, and wow. That’s just a lot to deal with!

    But you have all come through to the other side, changed for sure, but you’re here! And happy graduation to all of you. It’s a huge milestone, it’s a huge thing. She did it! You did it! It’s a beautiful thing.

    That photo of Ella with your parents during COVID, omg, that breaks my heart. What a time that was.

    Congratulations to all of you xoxoxo

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    1. NO idea. So much change, but we’re still here, growing and adapting. I saw something the other day about being afraid of the future, but I’m living in a former future right now, and I’m not scared here ❤️

      That COVID picture is one of my favorites for so many reasons—the look of love in my parents’ eyes, but also how much they missed my kids (and us), and vice versa. A year was taken from us in a way that still makes me a little sad when I think about it.

      Thank you, friend 😘❤️

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  13. I read your post this morning, and it has stayed with me all day. There are some words that simply can’t hold the weight of what they make us feel, so I’ll just say cheers to Ella, congrats to you and Mike, and may you wrap yourself in a big hug and a little extra grace today. Honor all you’ve carried, all you’ve overcome, and all the ways the hardest chapters have made your family even stronger. You are such an inspiration, Kari. 💜

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    1. You’re making me want to cry! Thank you so much for this. I always appreciate how thoughtfully you read and respond. Your words mean a lot, and I’m ever so grateful for you. 😘❤️

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  14. Your daughter sounds like a wonderful child. It must have been difficult watching her deal with adversity, but she seemed to work through and overcome them. Having these experiences at an early age builds strength and character, something to build and lean upon as she grows older. The one thought that comes to mind is the obstacles didn’t change the warm, caring and friendly person that she is. That’s such a blessing. You must be immensely proud.

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    1. It hasn’t always been easy watching her go through challenges, but I’ve always admired how she’s moved through them and stayed true to herself. I am very proud of her. Thank you for seeing her in such a thoughtful way. 😘❤️

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  15. This is so beautifully written. I hope that Ella gets a chance to read it. You are right: Graduation is both and ending and a beginning. I can’t wait to witness what Ella has in store for her future. She is a beautiful, strong young lady. <3

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  17. This writing is beautiful in ways I can’t comprehend fully, yet. I need to come back to it. I can say that I’m happy for you, and envious of your ability to comprehend the changes you and your family have undergone, and envious that you have so many connections still standing. I feel alone in my rushing river. Like most good writing, yours has sent your readers inward to search themselves. More envy here, somehow!

    What I should be saying is: congratulations on surviving so many challenging pitfalls that changed you, and for still being you, seatbelt or no seatbelt. Damn, we need seatbelts now more than we ever did, don’t we?

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    1. Thank you for this. I’m really moved that you spent this time with my words. I’m really glad they resonated with you, even in this complicated way. I don’t feel like I’ve fully made sense of anything so much as I’ve just kept going through it, one day at a time. The seatbelt image made me smile a little… it feels true in a way I’m still figuring out. I appreciate you being here with the writing, even in this in-between place. 😘❤️

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  18. Oh, Kari..you are a writer! You know how to share your emotions and heart. You are so lucky to have a daughter like Ella. She sounds like a wonderful human. All of you deserve a party, cake, and balloons! Isn’t it crazy when you stop and breath, you realize all the situations you lived through. Does it make you stronger? I feel it makes me tired..lol. I think we can compare notes and lots would be similar. Hugs and more hugs to you, my friend. I’m really proud of you and your family!

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    1. You’re going to make me cry in the best way. Thank you, my friend. I do feel very lucky with Ella—she’s a gift. And yes… when I actually stop and breathe, I’m kind of stunned by everything packed into the last years. Stronger? Tired? I think I vote both, depending on the day 😂 I’d love to compare notes sometime—I think we’d have a lot in common. Big hugs back to you. I really appreciate you. 😘❤️

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  20. What a beautiful, heart warming post. I completely relate. It’s been a tough road for a lot of us. I also homeschooled by youngest for middle school, so grades 6, 7, 8. I look back at those years with a lot of pride and great memories. Then she went to our public high school, graduated and went on to college as a student athlete with a scholarship. I’ve lost a parent, have a DIL with cancer, lost friends to cancer. It’s a lot but you are so correct, that we show up for the ride and we get through it with grace.

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    1. Thank you for sharing this with me. I’m really sorry for all the loss and what you’re carrying. There’s something comforting in knowing we’re not alone in the hard parts of life. I’m glad you found pride and good memories in those homeschooling years. 😘❤️

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  21. Congratulations to Ella. Graduation is big accomplishment. I hear what you’re saying about parents deserving of recognition for also making it to that particular finish line.

    I’m sorry it’s been a challenging near decade. I think it’s probably for the best that we don’t know what’s coming. When we look at these things in hindsight, we wondered how we managed, but when we’re in the thick, it’s just one foot in front of the other.

    I’m sorry as well that there’s been so much grief. Grief is hard on us, body, mind, and heart. It takes us longer to recovery than the current hustle mindset allows for, and I suspect the effects of each instance are additive.

    Big hugs. Enjoy the ceremony and the other bits and pieces related to graduation this week.

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  22. I understand completely. It’s astonishing what human beings can absorb and weather. We do our best to move through Life with strength, gratitude, and kindness, all the while trying to find our true selves within it. I’m so glad you and your new graduate have prevailed.

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  23. Kari, isn’t it incredible how time flies?!? As I read your first paragraph, I actually recalled my own high school graduation from Boca Ration High School in Boca Raton, Florida (in 1974) so vividly – almost as if it happened a few days ago.

    And that goes for the pandemic as well. It feels like that happened only yesterday. And yet, it was SIX years ago!

    That first photo (the black and white one) is gorgeous! It looks like a silhouette.

    ” not because she’s the loudest in the room, but because she leads with comfort, compassion, and genuine care.” — that’s so beautiful!

    Ella sounds like such a special gal. I truly admire her “she kept going” attitude.

    Sounds like she uses fear as something that propels her forward. That’s AWESOME!

    Aren’t you glad we can’t see into our future? So many people say that they wish they could tell their future, so they can prepare. However, if I knew half the stuff that was going to happen to me in the future, I wouldn’t want to move forward.

    No, I want my life to be a surprise. I want it to come as it comes. To me, that’s how I LEARN and GROW.

    When i look back on my life, I wouldn’t change a thing. Nor, do I have any regrets. That’s what turning 70 last year, taught me.

    Beautifully expressed post, my friend! LOVED the video too! Have a great rest of your week! X

    P.S. And CONGRATS to Ella! X

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    1. I love that you still think about your graduation. I still remember bits of mine in 1988.

      The pandemic really messed with my sense of time—I can’t believe it’s been six years.

      I love that picture too.

      She’s an amazing human, you’d love her.

      I believe in no regrets as well, my friend. We’re constantly learning.

      Thank you, my friend. I hope you’re having a wonderful week! 😘❤️

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  24. Kari, this writing is so gorgeous, deep, thoughtful, thought-provoking and meaningful – it’s as if you’ve poured every bit of your soul into it 💗

    I’ve never taken the time to consider what impact the pandemic had on me personally. I just worked on surviving it, and on keeping those I loved as safe & sane as possible. Certainly my health has not been the same since suffering with Covid. Having spent my childhood in places where vaccination was required to avoid unpleasant stuff from killing you, I suspect I simply adopted the same mindset. But it was a changing point for me in so many relationships which never flourished in the same way afterwards.

    Thank you so much my friend for encouraging me to pause and think. I see a fair bit of journaling and writing in my future on this subject which I am confident will be helpful.

    Congratulations to Ella on her graduation – I hope it was/will be a wonderful occasion and celebration!

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  25. You all made it, and with Grace. (Pun intended!) Congratulations to Ella (and you and Mike too!), and I wish her nothing but the best in her future endeavors.

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  26. Well darn it. I know there was a blog that I commented on last week and I felt like the comment might not have gone through. That happens sometimes with my phone. I’m guessing it was this post. Sorry. It is eye opening to look back and see where life has taken us, where we’ve been, and how we’ve managed through all the ups and downs. Happy graduation to Ella, all the best to her in her future endeavors. xo

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    1. Don’t you worry about comments, I won’t ever catch up on all the blog posts that I didn’t read for 6 weeks. 😘❤️

      Isn’t it? With six children I can only imagine your experience times 6. Happy Graduation to yours as well!

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