I began writing this series in May of 2022, not intending to make it a tradition. But it stayed—and so did you. Thank you for showing up each month.
source
I was waiting for Ella to finish summer school one day and parked in this lot near her school. Back when she was a freshman, she only had one summer school class, and since the school wasn’t close to home, I would sit here and wait to pick her up.
Four years ago, I used to see this man riding his bike around this parking lot. For some reason, it always brought me so much joy during that season of life.
On this day, I was on the phone with my mom when I looked up and saw him pulling his bike out of the back of his pickup truck.
He’s still doing it!
The little things.
I have this little mental thing I do where I imagine myself wrapped in bubble wrap to protect me from certain situations.
I actually told Anna and Ella about this recently in two completely different situations that were stressing them out: Imagine you’re wrapped in bubble wrap.
Then a day later this commercial came on and I laughed so hard.
I woke up and wrote this in my phone (without glasses on) at 1:24 am.
We had a small gathering to celebrate Ella’s graduation, and I only took a few pictures. I realized later, talking with a few people, that I have almost none from Anna’s graduation party either. It turns out when you’re the unofficial family photographer, and your phone is commandeered for the photo montage playing on a loop in the family room, you end up just being there instead.
Mike and I were present for this one in a way I’m not sure we fully were for Anna’s. We were just different people then. Younger, more distracted by the weight of everything we were carrying. Eight years changes you. Life changes you.
And there’s something about knowing this is the last time we’ll do this — the graduation party, the photo montage, the disposable plates and backyard chairs — that made us pay attention differently. It feels like we can finally exhale.
Mike took this on vacation years ago without me knowing.
This one means so much to me.
Discover more from A Grace Full Life
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
A Grace Full Life 
Aw, I love that last photo! So sweet. I am in hardly any of our family photos and I too am our photographer so I am mostly behind the camera at our functions but find it really hard to take many photos while also being the host so the parties we have at home tends to be the ones I have the fewest photos of even though they are the most important to me. That’s just how it goes. I LOVED putting together Alec’s photo montage and was kind of bummed not to get to do the same for Evan… or Ian. I mean I could have but I don’t think anyone would have really bothered to sit through it but Alec’s high school friends had a BALL with his (I did make sure to get approval for photos before including them). I love that flight tracking app. Look how much she’s traveled already!!
LikeLike
I really appreciate this. There’s such a real tension between being present and documenting everything, especially when you’re hosting at home—it makes sense those are the moments with the fewest photos.
I love that you made the montage for Alec. Those kinds of things end up meaning so much, even if they don’t always happen the same way for each child.
And yes, that flight app is so fun to watch. It’s amazing how much she’s already traveled. 💜✈️🌍
LikeLike
As always, you share so many meaningful snippets that I have a hard time commenting. I can only think of what I want to say about the last ones, but maybe the earlier ones hit me hardest? There are so many, it’s difficult to remember once I’m in the comments box.
I looked up your post about your dad’s car. I miss the car I had before we hit the road, and I swear it’s the most popular car in the city where I live now. But, seeing a dozen every day hasn’t taken from me the feeling of freedom I had in that car.
I also thought for a while about you being the family photographer. What that means for your family and what it means for you, to see them through your lens and so rarely to see yourself. My ex was our family photographer, and I was always so angry at how often he was in our faces taking pictures instead of helping out. I’m still angry, ha! But of course grateful for the pictures. I’ll be sure to send him more that I find of him and our son together.
I’d forgotten how much I enjoy sitting in our hammock. We don’t have good trees for that in our new yard, but I could buy a hammock stand like your daughter and her friend are in. I’m going to do that right now.
Sorry to fill up my comment box with stuff about myself. But that’s what your mindful writing does for me: make me think. About myself yes! But I’m thinking. Thank you.
LikeLike
I so appreciate you taking the time to sit with all of it like this.
What you said about your car is so interesting. It’s funny how objects like that can hold onto feeling even when they’re everywhere around us. It sounds like yours still carries that sense of freedom, which feels really important.
And I completely get what you said about being the family photographer. There’s something complicated in that role—wanting to preserve everything, and then realizing you’re often outside of it. I’m still figuring out how to shift that balance.
Also, I love that this made you want to bring the hammock back into your life. This makes me so happy.
And please don’t apologize for reflecting on yourself—that’s kind of the whole point of writing like this. 😘💜🌈
LikeLike
Though it’s nice to have photographs of big events, there’s a lot to be said for simply being there instead of documenting every last moment to death.
Great photo of you and the girls. I wonder what you were talking about? Totally looks like one of those “the one that got away” moments to me!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I agree 100 percent.
I remember! Ella wanted to order a foot-long hot dog, and I was trying to explain (and maybe exaggerate a little) how much hot dog that actually was. 😊
LikeLike
It’s important for the family photographer to be in some photos. There are too few of my dad for this very reason.
I love the Japanese version of menopause. I’m revising crone – there are implications – and adopting konenki.
I love a good goose, and a graduating goose is a good one.
I’ve also found I’ve become more present and more invested in participating in milestone events than I was when I was younger. It really does take the brain quite some time to reach adult/mature. The body gets there a lot sooner.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Someone else said that about their dad too. My dad was in a lot of photos, and Mike is too, but I’m not. I’m hoping to remedy that.
I hope so too!
And now the goose clearly needs a summer outfit…
I think losing my dad changed this for me too. His absence has made me realize how lucky we are to get to be here for these milestone moments in the first place. I know you understand this too. 😘💜
LikeLike
Great list. Though I’ve never felt less powerful than I have since menopause. Sorry, but I’m not honoring it!
🤣
LikeLiked by 1 person
I understand that wholeheartedly. 🤣
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love the bubble wrap visualization. Definitely using it. Also love the picture of the cake with the lights in the backyard! I’d buy a copy of it. It’s sparkly – I imagine every time I’d look at it I would feel happy. And of course the candid picture of you with your daughters is special too. XO
LikeLiked by 1 person
Our backyard looks so magical this year. Ella wanted extra lights up for her party, so we added more. My mom said it felt so cozy and special when we sat out there that night. 💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, it did! I absolutely LOVED all the lights. I hope you keep them up all summer.
LikeLike
The last photo – of you – is lovely. It’s just what I think you’d be, but somehow captured in a particular photo. Also lovely, the poem If I Carry My Father, the pups. As last time, all of it. 😊💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aww, thank you, my friend. That photo is so lovely and it really captured a moment. I still remember that day so well, and I think it’s partly because of that photo. 💜
LikeLike
So many lovely things, Kari! What you wrote on your phone after your dream was amazing. That really resonated with me. I love the idea of menopause as renewal. It’s wonderful that you can track Anna’s flights on the app. Technology does have some awesome aspects. I will definitely imagine myself wrapped in bubble wrap the next time I get stressed!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love that all of these resonated with you. I’m so glad you have the bubble wrap image to help you! It helps me a lot too—especially when I’m driving.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Those drowsy pups! Isn’t it comforting (and also frustrating) how our pets can simply lie down and sleep so restfully in peace and security? They awaken to the same life they left momentarily, refreshed and happy.
When my siblings, my mother, and I went through our family’s photos, searching for ones of my father for his memorial, it was a very difficult task. He hated being photographed. So many of the photos were taken by him, using one of those old-fashioned cameras with the accordion pleats to focus the lens. I decided then and there to stop letting my own insecurities prevent my sons from having photos of me, whether to be enjoyed now or later after I’m gone. It’s not easy, but like most parents, I’d do anything for my kids.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, to be a dog in a safe and loving home, right?
Your dad sounds a little like me, and maybe a little like you, too. I agree, my friend. I’m trying to get over my insecurities as well. I used to take daily selfies before my dad died, but I stopped doing that a while ago.
I’d like to get into the picture more with my family and friends. Maybe this is my sign to start doing that. 💜
LikeLike
Yes, please! It’s entered my mind a few times that I don’t have any photos on my phone of you…or me and you. Booo! Let’s remedy that! I will not post them on social media or anything. They’ll be just for me. I might print one out for one of my art journals (private) though, if that’s OK. :-)
LikeLike
I love that you’re still seeing gray Honda Pilots. And that you dreamed of your dad (and typed out what you dreamed right away). You could also keep a pen & paper at your bedside & use that in the middle of the night if you don’t want the light from your phone. The poem “If I Carry My Father”…beautiful.
The photo of Biscuits leaning on Ella’s back…love. And, of course, the precious pic of Buddy. I’m so glad he was looking at me like that with his beautiful lemur eyes.
Visualizing wrapping yourself in bubble wrap…that is so good! I’ll have to remember that one. I’ve also heard you can visualize yourself surrounded in white (healing) light.
I adore that you and your mom track Anna’s flights!
The photo of you and the girls that Mike took…not only is it heartwarming, but you look so much like your mom in this photo. I saw it immediately. <3
xoxo
LikeLike
I love that Japanese translation of menopause, and I feel like that is really descriptive of my own experience – and yours as well. Although I guess I am technically perimenopausal, as I do still get Aunt Flo visiting. But I do love that feeling of starting a new journey! It does feel like a renewal.
I love that photo of you. It is so important for the photographer to be photographed. I read an article once about a woman who was grieving her mother, who was not only the family photographer, but she was also not confident in her looks and didn’t want to be photographed ever. She was always insecure about her weight and her hair was never right, and she had the wrong outfit…you get the idea. Or – thematically – the picture. Anyway, this woman who was grieving her mother was also grieving the fact that she had hardly any photos of her. It struck me as so, so sad. My husband takes a lot of our photos but I make a real effort to take pictures of him. Not that he’s not confident in his looks, but he’s just often taking the photos, so he’s sometimes not in the photos. I try to photograph him every opportunity I have!
I love that you are tracking Anna’s flights, and all the congratulations to Ella and to you and Mike on her graduation!
LikeLike