The Day I Found Out I Was in Menopause

I’ve always been lively, even obnoxious at times; it’s just who I am.
I move with purpose, laugh loudly, and snort every now and then.
That is why I am ideal for blogging because I can edit and edit and edit again before releasing the final draft.

I’m not a first-draft person.
Meeting me in person is a dangerous proposition.
If you’ve met me in person, you’ve saw a live performance where anything can happen.

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You’ve been with me on this journey since last fall, so it’s no surprise that I haven’t been “myself.”
But I kept telling myself it was too soon.
Menopause is still a long way off for me, as I’m only in my mid-forties.
I made a joke about it in my Listen to Your Mother piece, not expecting it to happen so soon.

But by the fall, it was more perplexing than amusing.
Why am I such an asshole?
I mean, I’d been a raging asshole one week every month since 1983 LIKE CLOCKWORK, but this was assholery on a whole new level.

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Then there was the melancholy.
Then I decided I needed a dog.
Then I realized I needed both a dog and a job.
Then there were the migraines.
Then there were the meds.
Then there were the mood swings.
Then I was eating ice cream.
For breakfast.
Then I decided to paint my front door at 7:00 a.m.
Yes, seven o’clock in the morning.

I even wrote a blog post arguing for the creation of a John Hughes Museum.
Despite the fact that a fellow blogger provided me with a lead, I was unable to develop a strategy or establish a starting point.
Because I was googling teddy bear dogs, painting front doors, eating ice cream for breakfast, and being an asshole to my family.
I’VE BEEN BUSY, PEOPLE.
Meanwhile, I have children who live at home while I go through this transition.
I literally said to my husband and kids the other day, “I QUIT!” I AM GIVING MY TWO WEEKS NOTICE! I AM REMOVING MY NAME TAG! PUNCHING OUT AT THE TIME CLOCK! BYE.”

I said it, but no one seemed to hear me.
Because no one is paying attention any longer.
Because, assholery.

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When I went to see my gynecologist recently, she listened to my symptoms and said, “Well, your numbers in the fall showed you were in the pre-menopause range, so you are most likely in it now.”
IN WHAT NOW?
Ladies, it appears that you can still get your period while “in” menopause.
This was something I was unaware of.
I knew absolutely nothing. At all.

“Yep, looks like we’re starting the perimenopause process,” she concluded after an ultrasound.
“We????” There is no “we” in menopause!!”
“Sorry, my assholery came out of my mouth.” Which seems to be a medical miracle, but she understood.

Oh, and it takes us YEARS to jump off the metaphorical menopause cliff.
BEING A WOMAN IS A MAGICAL THING. 

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The day I found out I was entering into menopause, it was 70 degrees and sunny.
I drove home with the sunroof open, blasting Siouxie and The Banshees, and crying uncontrollably.

The day I found out I was entering into menopause, I registered my youngest daughter for second grade, made the best spaghetti of my life, and wrote a really hard email to her teacher.
The day I found out I was entering into menopause, I skipped my oldest daughter’s soccer game because I was upset with her; it was the first time that I’d skipped a game. Because, assholery.

Then I went to bed at 7:30, but I didn’t fall asleep until 9 p.m. Because I felt terrible about missing that soccer game.

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Yesterday was Mother’s Day, and I spent the majority of the day avoiding social media because it was simply too much.
Fortunately, I still have my mother, and I called her first thing in the morning.

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We had a nice conversation, albeit over a long distance.
We reminisced about how it had been a good ten years since we’d lived near each other on Mother’s Day.
Every day, I miss her, but it hurts more on certain days.

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I got to watch Pretty in Pink with Ellie after I got off the phone, and she now loves Duckie, which makes me very happy.

I also got to sit on the couch with my 15-year-old, legs interlocked, as she quizzed me on fashion and dating.

My husband baked his famous chocolate chip cookies.

We all laughed when Ellie declared that she will “never have kids!” 

Ellie then said, “you know what, when we’re grown up, I’m bringing my kids over to your house for Mother’s Day,” and we all laughed again because she was caught. “You said you weren’t going to have kids, remember!” Anna exclaimed. “Oh yes!” she shouted as she laughed. I’ll just drag my husband over to your house, mom, because I’ll always want to spend Mother’s Day with you!”

Then Anna, who is an independent teen and who never seems to need us, then said, “Well, I do want to have kids, so I will always bring mine.”

I soaked it all in.

This day was exactly what I needed.
And it’s okay if they have their own families someday.
I’ll go see them.

But this perimenopausal mommy needed this day. 
I adore you, my sweet daughters.
This year has been especially difficult for me.
Thank you very much for yesterday.
I will cherish it for the rest of my days.