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Humor, Life, Menopause

That’s a Good Google

Kari

In 2014 I wrote about What I Google because if I hadn’t proven that some bloggers write about absolutely nothing, no one had. Hey, I’d turn it into a series if I could. Send me what you look up on Google, and maybe I will.

Here are some of the things I’ve googled recently.

That's a Good Google

What’s the origin of guacamole?

According to Google, guacamole originated in Mexico, and we can thank the Aztecs for creating it.

Fun fact– There is a National Guacamole Day (every day in our home). It’s on September 16th.

Do you have to apply tick repellant to your dog in the winter? 

Your vet will likely say yes, but is it really necessary? We googled it this winter, not because of the cost, but to see if we were wasting time doing it each month when ticks aren’t even around. I ended up clicking on the fourth link, and according to Taste of the Wild, ticks can survive in temperatures as low as -30 degrees. Yikes.

Why is bedding so expensive? 

I like it when a Google search returns results that have already been searched because it makes me feel less like a moron. At the very least, it seems like there are others who get me. So, why IS bedding so expensive? Google has no clue, only links to web polls, community sites, and blogs asking the same question. But I can tell you that TJ Maxx is my go-to for sheets and bedding. They are 50% cheaper than Target and Wal-Mart.

Do squirrels have self-confidence? 

Have you ever noticed squirrels when they cross the road? They go into the street, turn towards where they came from, dart into the middle of the street, stare at you, then scoot 50 mph to the opposite side. It made me realize one day that those squirrels are very much like me when I make major life decisions.

By the way, when I started typing in my search, this came up: do squirrels have self-tanner? This makes me feel better about my Google search choices.

I can’t tell you if they have self-confidence, but I can tell you that after entering in that search, I now know that squirrels masturbate to avoid sexually transmitted diseases and that squirrel sex is an internet thing.

Jesus God help us all.

Is the word Google capitalized in a sentence? 

Since I’ve been typing a capital G in front of oogle this entire blog post, let’s find out if it is actually capitalized when it is not used as a verb in a sentence.

Well, it depends on whom you talk to. According to Merriam Webster, Google is lowercase. But, the Oxford English dictionary says, OH HELL NO, CAPITALIZE THE SHIT OUT OF THAT.*

*I added shit and hell

**Also, they are the people who add commas every damn place, so you choose

**But I am totally listening to them because I already capitalized it about 25 times

Is the chest waxing scene real in the movie The 40 Year Old Virgin? 

Yes, it is.

Is James Earl Jones still alive? 

Apparently it has been thouroughly investigated, because there is a Snopes article about his death. He’s alive and well (at the writing of this post) at the age of 87. He is one of my most favorite actors of all time, up there with Sidney Poitier, Spencer Tracy, Tom Hanks, and John Cusack.

How do you register to vote? 

My oldest daughter turned 18 in March and wanted to learn how to vote (love her civic pride), but then she forgot and it was too late to vote in the most recent election.  According to the Illinois DMV, in order to vote, you have to be registered at least 27 days before the election, which you can do here.

Is Ted Kennedy dead? 

He’s been dead for nearly ten years. I didn’t miss him, did you? The only reason I looked it up was because the movie Chappaquiddick was coming out.

Not-so-fun fact– Ted Kennedy died three weeks after John Hughes.

How do you stop a dog from digging in the yard? 

Wikihow has 11 steps to stop your dog from digging in your yard. That sounds like ten steps too many to me, so I clicked on the Humane Society’s link in the hopes of finding a much easier and less time-consuming solution to keep Buddy from digging his way to the Earth’s core every time he goes outside to pee and poop. After scanning AN ENTIRE PAGE full of tips, I realized that I really don’t care what our backyard looks like anymore. So we placed the trampoline over the Buddy holes, which sounds much worse than it really is.

Whatever happened to Hot Mustard sauce at McDonald’s? 

If you’re a fast-food hater, feel free to skip this one—and spare me the lecture on how bad it is for me. But if you’re like me and have a deep love for Chicken McNuggets with hot mustard sauce, you might be in denial about its disappearance. And then, you find out it’s not completely gone—just gone where you live.

WHY DOES CHICAGO WANT TO CRUSH MY HAPPINESS WHEN IT COMES TO MY CHICKEN MCFAUXNUGGETS??

I Googled “hot mustard sauce McDonald’s,” and the internet went oddly silent. It felt like a McNugget-level conspiracy. There was even a change.org petition to bring back the sauce, which got over 10,000 signatures—but I’m still hot mustard-less, so I guess that didn’t work.

Menopause friendly clothing. Does it exist? 

I hate that I’ve reached the age where I have to type things like this, but here we are. I’m tired of looking bigger than I actually am. Let me be real with those of you who haven’t gone through it yet: your belly will start to look like you’re five and a half months pregnant, even if you’re fit, exercise daily, eat well, sleep enough, and take all the vitamins. You’ll sweat in places you didn’t even know could sweat, feel bloated all day, every day.

I just want something long enough to cover my belly, loose enough so I don’t feel like a boa constrictor is squeezing me, and light enough so I don’t sweat through it. Is that too much to ask for women who have endured 30-plus years of periods and, for the love of GOD, deserve a break?

Apparently, menopause-friendly clothing doesn’t exist. But then I clicked on Google’s Shopping link and, oh my eyes—did you know there’s such a thing as night sweats pajamas? That’s not all; apparently, along with clothes that don’t make me overheat at night, I need a blender, a tube of lube, and a meditation bracelet.

If I thought a container of Super Lube could help, I would use the hell out of it. Somehow, I think the lube is less for the vaginal dryness and more to help me fit into my clothing every day.

Please let me know if you have any more suggestions for good Google searches.

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20 thoughts on “That’s a Good Google”

  1. I’m dying ?
    “Somehow I think the lube is less for the vaginal dryness and more for help in me fitting in my clothing each day.”
    Seriously, this. This kind of thinking is why I ❤️ The heck out of you!

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  2. I do the same thing!! The other day, while watching Kate and Leopoldo, I just googled what does Meg Ryan look like now. I’m so tired of googling women 20 and more years older and seeing what they look like. I should stop. It’s not helping my self esteem for sure.

    Yessss about Walmart’s ugly priced too high bedding. My daughter stopped by Payless shoes to find a pair of combat boots for a performance. $50! ?At Pay LESS. Obviously, they’ve forgotten their name.

    My granny got a tattoo several years ago with her daughters. They all got angels. She lived. All is well. Tell your mom.

    The holes. I’m just thankful our pup isn’t tunneling out of the yard.

    Today we received our last US approval needed. Now we need one more Indian approval before we can go to court!!! ?

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  3. I can relate Kari. I google up practically everything. My husband or a friend will ask me a question & if I don’t know the answer, I tell them to google it & they look at me like they never thought of such a thing. I learn a lot through Google searches. Whenever I see a movie, like “The Greatest Showman,” I google up all the characters to find out about them. I def don’t click on the first link that shows up, or those that are ads. I try to click on one that looks non-biased. I use Google all the time when doing research for selling on Etsy.

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  4. I love dipping my McFauxNuggets in hot mustard! Culvers should have hot mustard!
    I ordered a cooling bed mattress pad. I think that’s what it’s called, like an egg crate. It works really well specially during the summer.

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  5. OMG, you are so hysterical! I am snorting because I’m laughing so hard. My husband does the same thing as you when we’re watching TV or a movie – he Googles things about the actors or even where the movie was filmed. Drives me crazy…I look over at him and yep, there he is on his phone, Googling away. Don’t ever make me sit in the middle of you two.

    You don’t really still write checks at stores, do you?! (Yes, I’m judging you. ha ha)

    Squirrels masturbating…OK, I can’t get that one out of my mind. Thanks a lot. #willhavenightmarestonight

    Menopausal clothing…all I ask for are jeans that actually fit women over the age of 50. My legs and butt are thinner, but like you mentioned, my I no longer have a waistline. And I look like I’m 5 months pregnant. So if I get jeans that fit my legs and butt, the waist is too tight. Cuts into my flesh and gives me muffin top. Go up a size and the waist fits, but then the butt and legs are too too saggy. Do I ask for too much? Do clothing designers themselves not have this problem? Ooh, that’s a good Google! I’ll leave it up to you.

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      1. I just had Brian read this post and he has just one question: how do they know that squirrels masturbate?

        I am NOT Googling that one!

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  6. So much good info in one post. I think I’ve google’d some of the same questions. You’re getting a tattoo? I’m so behind. Also when I saw the headline, I read it as if you were saying a compliment to Google – the way you would say it to a dog…”That’s a good Google.” And now that’s the only way I can hear it in my head. I’m sorry about the night sweats. And the hot mustard sauce.

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  8. Kari the last part was hilarious. Unfortunately its not so much about looking not fat as it is about staying cool. I always look for 100% cotton clothing. Just the sight of polyester sends me into a sweat. And I always find ways to create a draft in the house.

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    1. So I don’t get the night sweats which makes me the minority as it pertains to menopause. I did go through a period of hot flashes and felt like my face was on fire but it doesn’t happen all of the time for me. I have enough other horrible symptoms though in case you were feeling like I got off lucky. :)

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  9. Bwahahahahahahahah :D Just spat my coffee all over the laptop, not once mind you. When will I ever learn. Loved reading this Kari. Useful tip wrt to the Buddy digging. Our furries did the same and the only thing that worked was putting some of their poop inside the hole and closing it up again. It took about two weeks for them to stop. And bonus the lawn gets a bit of fertilizer at the same time. Now I’m off to Google whether my insurance will cover a coffee splattered laptop ;-)

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