Anxiety, Blogging, Life

An Offer I Can’t Refuse

Kari

So here’s the deal: I’m moving to a new (free) WordPress this month.

Because I can’t afford $300 a year to run a blog where I write words and make very little, unreliable income from Google AdSense, Amazon, or Collective Bias—on the rare occasions they pick me.

I can afford $30 a year to keep my blog address, and that’s all I really need to take it to the new space.

I don’t know how this will affect my page views—and honestly, I don’t care.

Blogging was never going to make me rich.
I just want to write.
Not sell you stuff you don’t need (#ad #spon).

I have other career plans in the works—none of which involve writing—but hopefully, they’ll bring me some purpose.

Because as much as I love being a wife, a mom, and homeschooling Ella (which I’ll still be doing), I need something that’s just for me too.

Woman Staring At Glass

I lost myself this year.

When my writing job stopped paying and put me on furlough.
When I gave up all of my free time to start homeschooling.
When my husband went back to working insane hours.
When Anna left for college.
When someone wrote cruel things in my comment section—and the one outlet I loved started to feel like anything but.

This winter, I struggled.
More than I can ever fully explain.
It was bad.
It was hard.

While on vacation in Destin a few weeks ago, I met myself again.

And I realized: I want to start writing posts without worrying what anyone else will think.
Anxiety has had me wrapped up in other people’s opinions for far too long.
I need to stop obsessing and just start writing—unedited, imperfect, and honest.

I want this blog to be a blog.

Not a polished website.
Not a conversation piece.
Not a sponsored ad.
Not something I craft hoping for page views or viral traffic.

I truly don’t care about any of that anymore.

I want it to be an online journal. A burn book. A messy, beautiful diary full of big feelings, sharp honesty, and me—spilled all over the page.

I’ll still throw in pictures, because they help break things up, and my ADD brain struggles with giant walls of text.

Paragraphs and I? We’ve never been besties.

Black Text on Gray Background

I’ve been thinking about writing more freely—about the symptoms I deal with from health anxiety, just to see if anyone else feels the same way.
Or maybe I’ll write a post made entirely of ridiculous first-world things we said on vacation.
Right now, though, I keep telling myself I need an agenda.
That I can’t just write a post that goes nowhere, or one that’s only a paragraph long.

But I want to get back to prompts—someone else doing the big thinking so I can just sit down and write.

It’s my blog. So why do I feel like I can’t? I honestly don’t even know.

Saying I’ll never take a sponsored post again—or write for Amazon or Netflix—felt… scary at first.
What if an offer comes along that I just can’t refuse?

For nine years, I’ve been a struggling artist, trying to thread the needle between making money and sharing my truth.
Trying to be real while selling you dog food or constipation medicine.
Trying to show the world that I matter, while branding myself as someone whose blog is about, well, nothing.

The screenplay I wrote came straight from my heart. It’s still the most honest thing I’ve ever written.
So when it didn’t land the way I hoped it would, I took it personally.
I backed away from me again, and went back to writing what I thought people wanted.

I would look at the posts with the most comments and think, Okay, I guess this is what they like. I’ll do more of that.

But maybe—just maybe—the offer I truly can’t refuse is the one where I give myself permission to write whatever I want.

To stop censoring.
To stop chasing comment counts, page views, and social media shares.

Maybe the real risk—the one worth taking—is writing for me again.

And maybe… I’m finally ready to take it.

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29 thoughts on “An Offer I Can’t Refuse”

  1. I love this and I love you, Friend I have never met “In real life”!! I look forward to reading your bloggy blog!! Honestly, you may have just inspired me to start my own bloggy blog. And here’s your first prompt- What the hell is “in real life” anydamnways?!!!! Happy Monday to you my friend XO

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  2. Girl, we really are kindred spirits. I have a post I’ve been writing for this week called “So long blogosphere” that’s along these same exact lines.

    It makes my heart so happy that you found you again. That you spent some quality time and laughed, with you. That you shined out and said, remember me?! I am absolutely ecstatic for you!

    And in the immortal words of Ricky Nelson, “I will follow you, follow you wherever you may go” whatever platform, or medium. I love your writing and I can’t wait for the content you write, whenever or wherever you write it.

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  3. I relate to this so very much. I’m so glad you’re going to keep writing.

    When I redesigned my blog, I stopped tracking page views. It’s been both wonderful and weird.

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    1. I used to share old posts on link parties to get page views which is a very common practice but it also feels like cheating. It’s not really cheating but it just feels that way.
      My Bloglovin’ feed is so much more real now, filled with blogs I want to read not blogs I have to read. :)

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  4. 👏❤️ I love you and I’m looking forward to more of you vomitted all over your blog. Bravo!!! Yay!! I’m completely jealous of your return to school. I’m going with you in spirit. I want to read about it all. You inspire me with every post. Truly. Even when they were sponsored 😉. Because you are real. THAT will shine through more as the other falls away. Great things are on your horizon. I just know it. (My husband has had to work insane hours in last six months with no pay increase. Just to hold his job. It sucks so badly. Especially now!)

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    1. Oh, Jessie, I feel for you and his hours with no pay increase. I feeeeeelllll for you. Only you much more of a workload at home than I do. Thank you for your love and support over the years. I appreciate and love you so much.

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  5. I’m sorry you felt lost and am glad you’re finding your way. I was on vacation for quite a stretch so I wasn’t able to comment (we totally unplug on vacation- non-negotiable then I delete all notices and emails when I get back. Hope I didn’t win a sweepstakes.) But I did miss you and happy belated birthday. Oh and if you ever DID feel the need to do that sponsored post again or something, who cares. To paraphrase the famous quote that is NOT Dr. Seuss…the readers who mind don’t matter and the readers who matter don’t mind. You do you, girl. We’ll still be here.

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  6. Kari, I made the same decision more than a few years ago. I write what I want, when I want. I don’t intend to ever “monetize.” I get exactly what I want out of blogging. Highly recommend. You gotta be you, and let you live. I’m sorry it was such a tough winter. My first year after my kids left was brutal, too. It wasn’t just that, but just want to validate: That’s a hard, hard transition. It’s going to get better for you. I just know it.

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  7. It sounds like somebody might have found her cape…I need to track down mine! I also need to set aside some me time and cozy up with the rest of the screenplay!!!! I haven’t forgotten about it, I just keep waiting for a reward time of sorts to read it!
    Xoxoxoxox…always

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  9. Good for you girl! Just go with you, and if the world doesn’t like it, so what? I think I’ve reached that point with my blog too. I got so sick of worrying about site speed, subscribers, how often I posted, and whether or not I was doing enough social media, that I burned out super quick & completely backed off. And like you, I just don’t care anymore. I do a post when I get ready & if I get subscribers, great. If not, that’s OK too.

    In fact, I was about ready to close the whole thing down a few months ago, and someone talked me out of it, so I’m still here. Posting when I get good & ready, so you go girl! Go with what makes YOU happy, even if it’s only a paragraph. Who cares? Sounds like it’s something you gotta do, so do it your way, even though that sounds like Burger King. Not meant that way.

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  10. Kari I once had that dilemma too. Should I post about what I want and follow my journey (in this case DIY journey) or should I pander to the masses and give them generic craft projects. I chose the former because the blog was about me not some else with no face. I did not make the big numbers but my heart was happy. After all, I never really expected to be the next Pioneer Woman. I am so grateful for all of the friends I made through the blog, and that was more than enough of a payoff. I’m glad to hear you have chosen to stay true to yourself. I may not have a chance to visit you as often as I would like because I am busy now, but I want you to know that I am with you on this one. And there is nothing wrong with a sponsorship here and there. Our mental wellbeing is so important and if a blog can help in that direction then so be it!! You go girl!

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    1. All of this, yes. The biggest payout for me at least is the people I have met along the way. Maybe that was why I was supposed to blog in the first place. I am so glad for the support I have received over the last nine years and that is priceless. :)

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  11. Your post made me cry! It was so real and honest and brave…I am in awe of you. It takes a lot of guts and vulnerability to put it all out there like you did. I am older than you, but can relate a lot to what you said. As you know, I left my government job 6-1/2 years ago. I hated it. It made me physically and mentally ill (major panic attacks). Since then, I’ve been at home. And just seven months ago, became an empty nester. So now here I am…just me and my husband and the cats. Do I have a “purpose”? I don’t know. Most days I’m content to just “be”. Keeping the house neat and clean, doing yard work, visiting with friends, making healthy meals for me and my husband, running all the errands, getting in some exercise, working on projects around the house, writing in my journal, writing blog posts, reading, taking photographs, going to too many effing doctor appointments lately. But there are some nights I go to bed and think, “What did I DO all day today?” But do we always have to be DOING and ACCOMPLISHING to be happy? Shouldn’t simply being and living be enough? I don’t have the answers to those things…good, philosophical questions, I guess. Some days I’m happy and content; other days I feel quite worthless. And as you know, I have a lot of anxiety, too. I also went through a bad time of depression all winter and into the spring – the worst I’ve ever had.

    Oh, Girlfriend…I could go on and on. But I’m babbling enough. Can we get together again soon – is that a possibility? I’m open to whatever…you and Ella could come here during the day; I could come there; you could come here in the early evening when Mike is home to stay with Ella and we could have wine and snacks on the patio. Although since he’s not home too often, you’d probably want to be there with him. I totally get that. Dammit, I’m babbling again. Keep me away from the coffee! Love you. xoxo

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    1. I would LOVE to get together soon. Anna is home at night now so she could even watch Ellie while I come to visit, or I can bring her with me and she can see your cats.

      It’s never babbling, by the way. It’s all written with love. Thank you for this. :)

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  12. You are too kind. But yes, written with love. ;-) I will leave it up to you whether you want to bring Ellie to visit or not. Either way is perfectly fine with me. xoxo

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    1. I am so glad you found yourself! I did not know you were lost, of course – because from where I sit you have it all together. So sorry things got so hard for you. Especially in the winter. I have a day here and there that gets under my skin, I can’t imagine many of those strung together. So so happy that your vacation was that instrumental and enjoyable. I thought of you while you were away.

      I have been insanely busy, but Eddie’s grad party is tomorrow . . . so here I am procrastinating on the thousand things I still have to do and fretting about the 50% rain forcast. SHIT!!! It cannot rain! Anyway I am looking forward to meeting up sometime in the next month, or sooner? Lots to talk about. Looking forward to your new ‘this is me’ approach to blogging. Gonna be geat!

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      1. LOL, I just commented that you should create a video for the party on Kizoa……WHICH IS TODAY! Omg, delete my comment.
        But the next time you need to make a video, that’s the place to go. I made three for different events (Anna’s grad party being one) and they were great.

        Can’t wait to read about his party. :)

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  13. Please keep me updated on your feeds, I love reading them!! You’re such a sincere and genuine friend. I’m so glad our paths crossed!! ❤️

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    1. I will! It will be the same address, so you will get the blog the same way. Just a different blog on my end mostly.

      I am so glad they crossed as well! :)

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  14. Oh yes, yes… be you! I have just started doing this with my own blog this past year and I’m loving writing about whatever I want.. I have no theme and while I am pretty much stuck with my name for now I rarely write about homeschooling anymore. It has been rather freeing an I am having so much fun with my writing.

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    1. Right?? I am lucky in that my name is pretty versatile but I used to write almost exclusively about DIY back when I started and then it just slowly evolved into what it is now. But that is the beauty of a blog, isn’t’ it?

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