I was using the public restroom at my local Target a few years ago and was hovering, while holding my winter coat up so it didn’t get wet in the toilet water, all while trying to keep my purse from touching the floor when I felt a fart coming on. But I was in public and didn’t want to fart, I held it in.
But it came out anyway since I am perimenopause years old and also have had two huge babies in my uterus at one point in my life.
How much farting while peeing is happening
When you grow older, you’ll fart every time you urinate.
As a result, peeing in public or at a friend’s or family member’s house is embarrassing. Then, if you try to hold it in, your urine won’t come out, and you’re stuck sitting or hovering (you do you) over a public or private toilet, trying to urinate and ride out a fart at the same time.
However, you must urinate, or you will develop a urinary tract infection. So you play a little game of should I disgrace myself now or end up in acute care?
Eat your vegetables, take your vitamins, and go to the doctor on a regular basis so that you can become older and have to wait in a stall at the Denny’s for 15 minutes so you can fart in peace.
You may hurt yourself when you exercise
My doctor advised me to focus on strength exercises. So a few months ago, I dug up my old Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred workout from 2013.
When I was six years younger.
Everyone around me seemed concerned about my well-being once I restarted the workout program.
Are you sure you should do that program?
What if you hurt yourself?
Wow, that’s …….impressive.
I did it for four weeks but could only do it 2-3 days per week and not consecutively.
Because I am six years older.
During my birthday week, I injured my elbow while doing a plank and was unable to work out the rest of the week.
After two weeks of my elbow hurting, I finally went to the doctor, who finally advised me I needed to quit doing the 30 Day Shred.
So I am continuing to lift weights with a new routine, but I can only use one arm (the one that wasn’t hurt). Sigh.
You have a favorite brand of vitamin, pain reliever, and acid reflux reducer
Nature Made, Naproxen, and Prevacid.
I’m sure if walked into a gathering of people my age and said those three words, they’d understand what I meant.
Constipation prevention is key
I’ve never appreciated a good bowel movement more than I have in the last two years. I expect this appreciation will continue until I die.
You sweat just sleeping
I swear I am not making this up.
You can hurt yourself by putting on socks
If you haven’t pulled a muscle while trying to get socks on, we can’t be friends.
Seriously, I am not trying to be Debbie Downer about getting older. But knowing we are not alone, that we can laugh at it and make fun of it, makes it much easier to digest.
A Grace Full Life 
OH yes! I have been noticing just about all of this the past year or so too!
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Yay us! 😉
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Sooo, I’ll be watching Wine Country then…. 😉 I love that you post stuff like this. Google be damned.
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Mike and I watched it last night. Sooooo funny AND relatable. 🙂
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OMG, I am dying! One of your funniest posts ever. But so sadly true. Am I allowed to say to you, “Just wait til you’re in your 50’s?!” Cuz honey, you’re a spring chicken compared to me. I’ll be 57 in August. Things with your body get sooo much better. ROFLMAO
Though I do have to say that I’m pretty darn healthy in general…I maybe have heartburn once or twice a year and have never had acid reflux. I hope that’s attributed to healthy eating cuz that’s how I eat most of the time. And I also have to say that I was actually much heavier when I was in my 30’s and 40’s!
But the body physically falling apart…all in my 50’s, I’ve had a rotator cuff tear, meniscus tear (which needed surgery) and now I’m in PT for sciatica. It makes me wonder if I’m falling apart at this age, how I am going to be in my 60’s, 70’s and 80’s? I don’t even want to know…
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Just tell me that it gets a little better after menopause is over. The past four years have been HELL.
Also, might it be because we live in a colder weather climate? I think maybe we need to winter in Arizona and put it to the test.
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PS – Thanks for recommending Wine Country. I just watched the trailer and looks hilarious. That’ll be my next watch!
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I am a laugh snob; meaning I don’t find funny what the general public does. I was belly laughing at many parts and could picture personal friends as the characters. It was VERY relatable. 🙂
Oh, and one of the songs in the movie was going to be the opening song of my screenplay/movie. Try and guess which one.
ALSO, I need Tina Fey/Amy Poehler to make my screenplay a reality.
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Way to relatable. I just wrote a post that is in my que (the only way I can blog- in advance when I find a pocket of time) and it is about getting old. It does suck. No lie. You did not mention cheater glasses. Thise are the worst. Bowel movements . . . do not get me started. Coach is so tired of hearing about how everything revolves around that one bodily function. Weight- that drives me nuts too. I work out like a crazy person, so why do I nit have Cindy Crawford’s bod? I better sign off or I will forget which points I have already covered . . . because I am old and it sucks!
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I have had bifocals since the age of 37. Everything about me has aged way older than most. That is kind of scary.
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A friend of mine and I recently texted back and forth about the way we hurt ourselves. She said this week I feel old I couldn’t get out of bed today because my back hurt. I told her that I threw my neck out putting on pants. So I win. Also, I’ve heard about the metabolism getting slower and slower, and honestly I’m horrified for it to get slower than it is now. I think that’s one of the reasons I am on such a desperate mission to get to my goal weight before my birthday. Maybe then I can just maintain forever!
I’m so glad your site is back up, I’d been wanting to read this post all week! My reader teased me with it, and it was making me slightly more insane than usual.
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Friend, you make me feel like a rockstar when you email me that my site is down.
Thank you for that. It was kind of a shitty week.
Taking next week off to regroup. 🙂
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Nailed it. And I’m laughing. The gas alone. Gotta be careful about laughing too hard, otherwise I’ll be farting, too.
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Laughing and farting is just another day around here. 🙂
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I am a little tired (well I am a lot tired, like always-you feel me, right?!) of paying doctors* to say “well you are getting older”-I have been getting older since the day I entered this world, so this really does not come as news, but being put out to pasture before fifty seems extreme!
*shout out to my dermatologist who has never said that-I love her and must bring her flowers next year!
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Bring M&M’s instead.
Maybe they’ll knock the copay down a bit next time. 😉
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I personally hope your Google ratings go up because of this post. Why is it the things you need to know most are the things no one ever tells you? Thanks for saying them, and I’ll have to try mint Tums.
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Aww, you are so sweet! Thank you for your comment. 🙂
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I checked off every single one of those things on your list. Aren’t night sweats fun? But there is another side to all of this and that is that you stop giving a damn (especially about the farts)! 😉
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EXACTLY. Best part.
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Love this one Kari!
While I’m not looking forward to most of this list, I am looking forward to caring less as I get older. I’m 24 now, and although I’m still young, I’ve noticed I’ve become much more confident and care much less about what others think in the past 5 years – can’t wait for the maturity and perspective that comes with aging! 🙂
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It’s LOADS of fun.
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