A few months ago, I was at my local Hobby Lobby using the public bathroom and was hovering, while holding my winter coat up as not to dip into the toilet water, all while trying to keep my purse from touching the floor when I felt a fart coming on. But I was in public and didn’t want to fart so I held it in.
But it came out anyway because I am 49 years old and have had two large babies in my uterus at one point in my life.
It was then that I thought holy crap, getting old sucks. It seems like just yesterday I was using bathrooms in dance clubs all over Chicagoland wearing high heel shoe boots (it was the 90s). big hair, and even bigger purses. Half of those times, I was drunk (okay, all of those times), and never ONCE did I have to fart while peeing.
And just like that, my Google ratings are in the shitter.
Speaking of, here are things no one tells you about getting older.
How much farting while peeing is happening
Here’s a dirty secret kids, when you grow older you will fart every single time you urinate. Oh sure, now you only fart when you pee first thing in the morning and can’t imagine a time when your ass will expel air with every excretion your body does, but it will.
Oh boy will it ever.
Which makes peeing in public or at a friend or family members home very embarrassing. Then if you try to hold it in, your urine won’t come out and there you sit or hover in my case, over a public (or private) toilet trying to pee and hold in a fart at the same time.
But you need to pee otherwise you will get a Urinary Tract Infection.
So you play a little game of should I embarrass myself now or end up at acute care paying a copay.
Eat your veggies, take your vitamins, go to the doctor regularly friends, so that you can get older and have to wait in a stall at the Denny’s for 15 minutes so you can fart in peace.
You will hurt yourself when you exercise
I have been perpetually on a diet since turning 45 (more about that later) and because of that, I have tried different exercises over the years.
I was told by my doctor that strength exercises are best for me.
So a few months ago, I pulled out the old Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred that I did back in 2013.
When I was six years younger.
After I started this workout again, everyone around me seemed concerned for my well-being.
Are you sure you should be doing that program?
What if you hurt yourself?
Wow, that’s …….impressive.
I was doing it for four weeks but only able to do it 2-3 days per week and not in succession.
Because I am six years older.
It was on my birthday week that I hurt my elbow while doing a plank and was unable to work out the rest of that week.
It was after two weeks of my elbow hurting that I finally went to the doctor and she told me that I needed to stop doing the 30 Day Shred.
So I am still doing weights with a different program but can only use one arm (the one that wasn’t hurt) so now I can look lopsided in addition to looking old.
You have a favorite brand of vitamin, pain reliever, and acid reflux reducer
Nature Made, Naproxen, and Prevacid. I could walk into a room of people my age and could say those three words and be met with knowing nods.
New pain/old pain is a thing
Old pain is the pain you have had for years. That could be many things: knee pain, headaches, and the like. Pain that doesn’t really alarm you because it’s been with you for many years.
New pain is the pain that strikes you out of nowhere in unusual places. Or it could be old pain masked as a newer kind of pain. Or it could be old pain that you don’t remember because every day is pain and it is muddled all together. Or it might be a new pain/old pain combo.
Constipation prevention is key to your daily living
I have never appreciated a good bowel movement more in my life than I have in the past two years. I assume this appreciation will continue until I die.
You’ll start saying phrases like, “back when” and “I remember a time” or “they don’t make it like they used to “
If I ever EVER utter these words on this blog, on social media, in a conversation, please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, stop me. I have said these words in passing to friends or family then make a joke of it like GET MY WALKER or GET OFF MY LAWN or DON’T PISS OF JAMAMAW to cover it up.
But for real, stop me.
You’ll have a favorite flavor of Tums
You can’t lose weight anymore
It is a dirty secret no one will tell you, so I am here to level with you: enjoy eating frivolously in your 20’s and 30’s because there will be a time when you can’t.
It’s called “metabolism” and we must have done something horrible to it at some point in our lives because it will CUT YOU LIKE A LITTLE BITCH when you reach your 40’s.
I have never eaten this healthy or exercised this much in my entire life and I am at my heaviest.
When I was in my 20’s, I smoked cigarettes daily, drank heavily every weekend, worked 45 plus hours on my feet each week, never exercised, and ate fast food like I was paid to do it.
I was also never heavier than 130 pounds.
I hate 27-year old me SO VERY MUCH.
You sweat just sleeping
I swear I am not making this up.
You can hurt yourself putting on socks
If you haven’t pulled a muscle while trying to get socks on, we can’t be friends.
Seriously, I am not trying to be Debbie Downer about getting old. I mean, it happens to most of us if we are lucky. But knowing we are not alone, that we can laugh at it, and poke fun at it in the process makes it a little bit more digestible.
Pass the tums.
Side note- if you loved this post, you will love Wine Country on Netflix.