Life, Menopause, Migraine

Understood

Kari
Menopause cry journal, courtesy of Mary Ruefle.
I have something very similar—except mine is a migraine journal filled with big black M’s instead of C’s.

Two weeks ago, a friend texted me a link to an article by Mary Ruefle titled Pause.

Mary Ruefle wrote her essay Pause in 2015 about her experience with menopause. That same year, I began my slow descent into the abyss known as perimenopause. Her piece was unlike anything I’d ever read—almost like poetry for hormonally impaired women. For the first time in years, I felt truly understood, really seen, because before that, I’d felt like an outsider in my own body.

I read it quietly to myself several times before one morning reading it aloud to my husband while making coffee. He’s been by my side on this unpleasant journey for five years now. He hasn’t had the symptoms, but I imagine there are times when being in his shoes—watching helplessly—is almost as difficult.

That’s a feeling I know all too well.

Feeling helpless.
As my body holds me captive.

Since 2015, I’ve written 31 posts about menopause. It’s been a sort of silent writing companion—always lurking just off-screen.

I’ve documented everything from the day I felt an urgent, unexplained need to paint a door blue, to the moment I realized: oh, this is perimenopause. Then came therapy, because the anxiety it brought along outpaced anything I could manage on my own.

I try to keep things light, even funny—so you don’t worry about me, pity me, or alert the authorities.

Reading Mary’s piece felt like reading something I might’ve written, if I were a little more poetic. I’m not fishing for compliments—she simply captured what I haven’t quite been able to. That, in itself, was a gift.

I felt seen.
Less alone.
More sure of myself.

Like: “See? I’m not making this up. It’s a thing.”

Woman Looking at Sunset

“Reading this, or any other thing ever written about menopause, will not help you in any way, for how you respond to menopause is not up to you, it is up to your body, and though you believe now that you can control your body (such is your strength after all that yoga) you cannot.” -Mary Ruefle

Therapy has been a lifeline for me these last few years.
It’s the only place I can be completely honest about what’s going on in my head—without fear of judgment.
Because even the most sympathetic people can’t truly understand unless they’ve been there.

Most days, I feel like I’m free-falling—no map, no script. Just doing my best to land softly.
Some days, I can laugh it off.
Other days, I’m brought to my knees.

I’ve never felt this powerless.
My body feels unfamiliar.
My mind, unpredictable.

Woman and Girl Using Tablet Computer

“Of course, you may be lucky: I know a woman who experienced menopause in no way whatsoever except that one day she realized it had been a couple of years since her last period, which was indeed her last.”- Mary Ruefle

I’ve never met anyone who’s struggled with perimenopause quite like I have. And because of that, I start to wonder: is it just me? Am I exaggerating? Making it bigger than it is?

Maybe it is just me. Maybe something really is wrong with me. My body feels like it’s rejecting its own evolution.

“Women have dealt with this for centuries,” someone once told me, like that fact alone should erase the ache. Like my pain was a betrayal of womanhood.

And so I keep quiet. Tell myself I should be tougher. Stronger. Like the women before me. Whatever that means.

It’s pushed me to look inward more than I ever have. But not in a gentle, self-reflective way. In a sharp-edged, judgmental way. Picking myself apart, trying to find where I went wrong.

Person Showing Left Eye

“You hear a lot about hot flashes, but hot flashes are the least of it, totally inconsequential in every way: you get as hot as a steam iron at odd moments – so what? The media would have you believe that hot flashes are the single most significant symptom toward which you should direct your attention and businesses their products, but when I think of menopause I don’t think of hot flashes; I am not here to talk about hot flashes.” – Mary Ruefle

Hot flashes are the symptom everyone talks about, but perimenopause is so much more than that.

It’s forgetting your daughter’s birthday and feeling panic you can’t explain.
It’s sudden waves of grief that show up out of nowhere, even in happy moments.
It’s feeling dizzy and off balance in the dentist’s chair, then having to pretend you’re okay.
It’s deciding to get Invisalign at 48 because you need some control over your body.
It’s migraines so bad you sometimes wish to die.
It’s sudden anger and frustration you don’t fully understand but can’t shake.
It’s losing friends because they don’t understand what you’re going through—and you don’t fully understand it yourself.
It’s breaking down in the bathroom and then pulling yourself together like nothing happened.
It’s losing the hormones your body depended on for decades, and feeling lost without them.
It’s not being able to talk about it openly because you’re afraid people will worry or think something’s seriously wrong—and then you start to think so too.

Perimenopause isn’t just hot flashes. It’s a quiet, complicated unraveling that too many women suffer through alone.

Silhouette Photo of Woman

“If you take the time to peruse the annals of any nineteenth-century asylum, as I have, you will discover that the ‘cause of admittance’ for all women over forty is listed as ‘change of life’.” – Mary Ruefle

It’s felt like twenty years compressed into these past five.

“Am I losing my mind?” I asked my husband one night at 3 a.m., heart pounding, terrified I might die right there on the couch.

“Am I losing my mind?” I whispered to a nurse in the emergency room during a severe panic attack.

“Am I losing my mind?” I questioned my neurologist after yet another migraine treatment failed to work.

“Am I losing my mind?” I wondered alone in the darkness.

Female and Male Runners on a Marathon

“You may decide to take up an insane and hopeless cause. You may decide to walk to Canada, or that it is high time you begin to collect old blue china, three thousand pieces of which will leave you bankrupt. Suddenly the solution to all problems lies in selling your grandmother’s gold watch or drinking your body weight in cider vinegar. A kind of wild forest blood runs in your veins.” – Mary Ruefle

I think we can all agree on what my “insane and hopeless cause” is:
Writing a screenplay, building a John Hughes museum in my head, or writing at the grave of a dead director…

channeling John Hughes

In the last five years, I’ve written a whole screenplay full of nonsense, painted six rooms, repainted my front door four times, and migrated my blog three times.

I wanted to learn guitar after watching H.E.R. perform at the Grammys—her music lit a fire in me. I wanted to shave the side of my head and dye the rest silver. Or maybe purple. Or pink. Or get a full sleeve tattoo.

I wanted to be a home stager. Then a professional organizer. Then return to school to finish my bachelor’s degree.

I’d say I have “wild forest blood” running through my veins.

Some call it a midlife crisis; mine is probably perimenopause, which in many ways is a midlife crisis. I’m more than halfway through life, and that makes me sad.

We deserve permission to be sad—to grieve the loss of fertility, no matter what our plans were; to mourn the physical changes that signal the close of a chapter.

Do I miss my period? Sometimes, yes. Other times, not at all.

Grayscale Photo of Man, Woman, and Child

“The one thing no one will tell you is that these feelings and this behavior will last ten years. That is a decade of your life. Ask your doctor if this is true and she will deny it.” – Mary Ruefle

At my most recent gynecologist visit, I stared her down and said, “You’re not doing any woman any favors by downplaying menopause.”

There should be a best-selling book exposing the realities of menopause—not the medical jargon, not Big Pharma spin, not psychological buzzwords—but the raw, gritty truth. Mary Ruefle’s version.

Menopause isn’t just a personal journey — it’s a movement waiting to happen. The silence around it isn’t accidental; it’s systemic. And that silence is costing women their health, their dignity, their peace of mind.

We owe it to ourselves—and to the daughters, granddaughters, sisters, and friends who come after us—to break the silence, shatter the shame, and build a community where menopause is understood, respected, and supported.

Tell your story publicly. Demand honest conversations and better care from your doctors. If they say nothing can be done, find a new doctor. Push for better research, better treatments, and better education. Speak up not only for yourself but for every woman who has been silenced.

This isn’t just about hot flashes or mood swings—it’s about reclaiming our bodies, our stories, and our power. Share your truth. Lift others up. Together, we can rewrite what it means to age as a woman.

And please, share Mary’s piece with every woman you know who’s struggling with menopause—and beyond.

pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood, mom, mommy, teenagers, children
Circa 2015, with my beautiful little humans — when it all began.

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37 thoughts on “Understood”

  1. Oh Kari, so many things to say. I am so sorry that you have had such a rough time with this. I feel like there’s so much talk about other stages of life for women but menopause is a subject that we just don’t spend a lot of time talking about other than like you said hot flashes. There’s so much more than just that.

    I am not there yet but I am so glad you wrote this and I will share it with everybody I know who might be going through it or who will.

    Sending you so much love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am always afraid to share posts like these because I am normally sharing funny, lighthearted stuff. So this one was very therapeutic to write but also putting myself out there a tiny bit.

      Thank you for sharing this. I am so glad my friend shared Mary’s post with me.

      Big hugs. :)

      Like

  2. I am on my way to being late for work, and I will write more later when I have real time, but I just wanted to say right now: Good for you for writing this AND hitting “publish.” That took guts. And I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through such an ordeal. I wish I could give you a hug through my screen.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have been searching for good/ informative books and blogs and just anything and everything having to do with perimenopause and menopause and it’s so sad how much this subject is lacking. I have a few friends who said it was no big deal at all just a few hot flashes and that’s it; never a mood swing or problem (and man I really hope I am in that category!) but I have heard so little about what to really expect. I get that everyone is different and all our bodies react differently, we react differently, etc. but still if more women were open and honest about what they were going through I think it would be amazing! If we talked about menopause even 1/2 as much as we all shard our birth stories we’d have such a better knowledge of what to expect.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So now that you wrote what’s in my head, what’s next? I’m in school to get my associates because I should have a degree. I want to homeschool because all my friends are doing it. I want to adopt a baby girl because I’m a cool mom and why not? I want to cry at the thought of raising another human.
    Sigh….. I thought I was crazy. I’m a low iron anemic who HATES hot flashes.
    But you, my dear soul mate, you I adore. I love you exponentially.
    You. Are. Not. Alone. and neither am I.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh soul mate, I had no idea you were going through this as well.

      FRIEND, we need to get together.

      You are not alone and all of those thoughts you’re having are all sane in relation to what we are going through.

      So I will support you all the way.

      Ps- if you want a girl, my girls will be willing to be your adoptive kids. Ella adores her Auntie Sidney.
      I do too.

      I love you so much. 💜

      Like

  7. You have tremendous guts to lay your soul bare like this.  And you have a gift for writing – about anything and everything – that makes this entry so relatable. Of course, I can’t first-hand relate to what you are going through, but I can sure sympathize. 

    A million and one fist pumps for what you’ve written and your kindness in sharing your story with others.  You’re helping people. A negative turns into a positive.

    Pretty amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this. The male perspective is hugely important to this. To all the men (my husband included) who are supportive to the women going through this, they need to know how important their role is. ❤️

      Like

  8. First of all, menopause lasts *that* long?! I had no idea, figured it was like a one year thing.

    Second, I’m sorry it is so difficult. It sounds maddening (and a lot like bipolar, so I guess my bipolar will have some bipolar in a few years). Hugs to you <3

    Liked by 1 person

  9. It took me 7 years from start to finish. My way of making peace with the long time was that by the time the “day of menopause” (1 year since last period) occurred I was more emotionally ready for it. Do I still feel sad about not being younger? Yes. But there is a certain peace I have now. And wisdom. And wrinkles. But peace and wisdom. And quiet inside myself. No longer the wild horse rage.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Kari- so sorry to hear that you have been dealing with this. How awful! I often wonder have I started menopause or is there more to come? It is an unknown for sure. You’re right- hot flashes is the only thing I ever hear about. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences here. You might be changing paint colors often, but you are a brave changing-paint-colors gal! Hope this gets easier for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are so sweet. I feel like it just lingers and starts and stops. So you may be in it already? I know that I started “young”.

      I just painted yet another room last week.
      Lord help me.

      Like

  11. Yes, yes, yes. I relate to what you’re saying and applaud you for saying it. I survived menopause, something that for me pretty much jumped out of nowhere unexpectedly and said, “screw you, darling. Time to be a different woman now.” In the end I’ve decided that getting through the process was lousy, but necessary. Menopause ain’t for wimps, I’ll say that. Of course you know that, right?

    Like

    1. AMEN. Maybe we should make tee-shirts that say, “Menopause Aint for Wimps”. I will share the profits with you. :)

      Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. It is so good to hear from women who are on the other side of it.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I’m so sorry you’re suffering like this and hope you’re wrapping up this BS. Women get SO SCREWED with our bodies and then how we’re treated/paid on top of it all and men are all “weeeee, I’m writing my name in the snow with my wiener!” *smack* Thank you for writing about this because I’m seriously ticked at our mom’s and grandma’s for this line…”just you wait!” “For what?” “YOU’LL SEE!” That does us a disservice and it’s something to share and prepare those we love for this time that can make you feel like you’re alone. When I talk to my cousin and she gripes about getting older (at 28…double smack), I tell her very seriously “you have 7 years until your body starts to betray you in ways you can’t imagine. Enjoy leaping out of bed without thinking about it. Enjoy not picking something up and say “that’s gonna hurt tomorrow.”” I’m as honest as can be about getting older and tell people “you swear you will never be that way…you will. Accept it and plan for it.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your comments make my day, I hope you know this.
      Betrayed by the women before us. That sounds like a great title for a bestselling book about menopause. Dontcha think?

      And thank you for the comment about men and peeing words in snow and not getting “it”. There is a line from the show Mad About You when Jaimie (first STRONG female character for that time period) says to her husband Paul something like, “oh please, you’d have one cramp and kill yourself” about being a woman.

      Like

  13. Write the book! Write the book write the book write the book. WRITE THE BOOK! Kari, I don’t believe in god. I haven’t for a long time. I don’t believe in souls, afterlife, deja vu, karma, or any of that. I wish I did, but I don’t. But you know what? When you said Nibbles had a soul, I believed you. When you said that you believed in old souls and young souls, I believed it too. When you smudged your house and talked about bad juju, I believed it. You are an amazing writer with the capacity to change minds. You write with passion, and truth, and humor. You said you didn’t know what to write a book about, and then in this very post you said someone should write a book about menopause. You’ve written about it 31 times. WRITE THE BOOK! Write the book, Kari. Write the book.

    Write the book so that when I go through it I can read it. And write it so that when your daughters go through it they can read it. Write the book.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re making me cry. For real. I am not being dramatic.
      Thank you so much for saying all of that. I know you aren’t just saying it, I know you really mean it. So thank you so fucking much from the bottom of my heart.
      Now I need to get off my butt and take your advice and write the damn book already.

      Like

  14. Hey lady! I read this post the other day but had to return and comment because I’ve thought about it a lot. First, I’m sorry you’ve been in the thick of menopause madness. Last year I read an article on HuffPo titled “This is what no one tells women about what happens to your body in your 40s” and it was so validating and helpful as I was experiencing so much of it, but feeling crazy. I shared it with all of my college friends. And we all agreed. And also, why did we not know any of this?!? So I applaud you for writing this. It will help others! And I hope it helps you too.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I’m not even going to pretend to understand everything that you’re going through. I’m not in the same situation that you are. You are in the thick of it and I’m not. No two women have the same experiences. The one thing I can do is be here for you. I may not know the right things to say or the right things to do but I’m here for you, no matter what.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Kari, this is so beautifully written from your heart; it touched me. I’m teetering back and forth from starting menopause to being that damn girl buying the tampons. Hot flashes and moody when I’m not bleeding to death. I never knew it until I started going through it that there was such an emotional side to menopause; and by emotion, I mean anger. I found myself snapping at my sweet husband for no reason other than he was in the vicinity. It’s horrible.
    I’ve not experienced as much as you, even though I’m older than you, I’m probably just late to the party. (I didn’t start my period until I was 16-so, I’m late for everything I think)
    I love that you shared all the things that are racing through your head and I think it’s pretty awesome that you are acting on some wild little things such as painting rooms, and possibly starting new careers; where is the harm?
    I’m happy that you have a therapist where you feel safe to vent your ‘craziness feelings’ to because we all need an outlet.
    I also loved reading Mary’s piece; what a poetic writer she is as well.
    Take care-

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for all of this. ❤️

      The most FUN part of menopause is that you need to be without a period for a solid year to be “done”. Not having one for six months then getting one sets you back. And it begins all over again. 🙄

      Side note- I love your blog. I’m new to it but I love your writing.

      Like

  17. Hi Kari,
    I’m sorry I never got back to write my real response. It has been such a shit week. And I’m still wrecked and can’t remember everything I wrote, which wasn’t that important anyway. I’m just gonna go with what Ani said, because it’s better than anything I said anyway. Write the book.

    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Thank you for pointing me to this post, Kari! So much truth here, and so well written. I love being on the “other side” now, after decades of being held captive by my fluctuating hormone levels. I hated going into puberty and the loss of control over my body and my emotions, and I feel like I have my pre-puberty mind back (New and Improved! Now with added wisdom and experiences!) and IT’S FUCKING FANTASTIC. I wish the same for you,

    Deb

    Liked by 1 person

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