Episode 27- Holding Space & Toxic Positivity – A Grace Full Life
I shared this passage from Caroline Garnet McGraw’s book You Don’t Owe Anyone: Free Yourself From the Weight of Expectations:
“How does it feel to think about your life through the lens of this broader definition of trauma? Are you starting to see the moments where you made excuses and brushed aside real pain?
For example, did you ever tell your real truth only to have an authority figure deny it immediately and emphatically? Did a trusted adult ever negate your reality? If so, then you know how quickly your mind tries to resolve the cognitive dissonance. They must be right, you reason, so I must be wrong.”
Can you relate to this?
I’ve shared this quote before, but I touched on this idea in the podcast:
I also read a tiny snippet from my book, but my mouse wasn’t working. Here is the snippet in its entirety:
“That isn’t perimenopause.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, my voice barely audible above the noise in the room.
“Perimenopause doesn’t last that long.”
I started to choke, so I drank some water. I was going to rebuke her comment when she started talking to someone next to her.
I excused myself from the table and stumbled through the restaurant, barely making it to the meager bathroom.
I had vaped marijuana that morning before the event, and I was concerned that everyone around me was aware that I was high.
In the mirror, I see familiar red cheeks. I look like a child who has been slapped across the face. My eyes well up with tears.
“It’s okay,” I tell myself. You’re going through it. You’re feeling every bit of it. It’s real.”
Has an authority figure ever denied your truth?
A Grace Full Life 
I’m sure I have had authority figures do that to me but as I’ve gotten older it is so much easier to ignore them and know myself.
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I’m so glad you’re capable of doing that. 🙂
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That took me back to 6th grade math, when the teacher told me to smile for real. That all I ever did was a fake smile. I basically stopped smiling after that.
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As if someone else understands how your smile works from within you! You have an amazing smile. I apologize for what he said to you.
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It was a female teacher
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Gah! What is THE DEAL with female authority figures?? You and I have so many things in common.
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I’ve certainly been hurt by others invalidating my truth, but it was when I was a kid or teen. I don’t recall it happening as an adult. Or if it did, I ignored it completely because who does that?
I don’t recall ever having any issues with female bosses. Usually, if someone was an ass towards me it was a male, from what I remember. Then again, maybe I just ignored most of the asshats? Who knows?!
I love the Rob Lehman quote!!
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Also meant to say, the perimenopause comment: Total bullshit. It’s different for everyone so how can anyone (much less a professional) say it doesn’t last that long? Very insulting.
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Total bullshit, is right. I remember driving home from that event feeling like I was crumbling inside. I wasn’t as strong on the inside as I am now. To have someone tell me what I was going through wasn’t real was a slap in the face.
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Exactly. Who would do that?
For me, I believe it has something to do with betrayals in my life by females. As a result, it could be a personal issue. Because of this, I may be too sensitive to female authority figures.
I love that quote too. 🙂
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As in parents as authority figures? Yes…
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Yes, parents are among them. Unfortunately, I can think of lots of others. 😦
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It’s awful when someone else’s words hurt us. That premenopause story is horrible. I think as a kid this sort of thing happened a lot. Regardless of the message, I heard YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH. Or YOU CAN’T. Fortunately I managed to figure out who I was on my own. Still, that hurt is hard to overcome.
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It is really difficult to overcome. I’m so grateful other people have shared their stories to make us feel less alone.
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Growing up in a family shaped by addiction, it took me a long while and lots of work to figure this out and learn to trust my own perceptions of truth. It’s on-going work. I’ve found it’s happened in layers—first with those closest to me, and working my way out. Work has been an area of focus for awhile now.
I’m so sorry you had that experience. Got a long history with medical people gaslighting me. It’s really hard! But is also made me stronger. Eventually.
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I’m very sorry you had to go through that. Yes, ongoing work. Learning that the work is ongoing has been very beneficial.
In medical and nursing schools, there should be a required course on how not to be a narcissistic gaslighter.
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Kari you made me cry more than once with this podcast! I cried for you, I cried for me, I cried for people I don’t know because you are so right hun. This is the sh*t that leaves scars. And I knew this podcast was gonna get me… so I delayed listening until today after an awful phone call (oh and I knew it was going to be awful too… ugh). So when you said in your podcast that you were sorry for our traumas and our hurts? Oh man. I literally needed that right in that very moment. Thanks for being you. I see you too and you are luminous. 🙂
I had one really horrible female boss that I’ve since seen twice post-job in unexpected circumstances. So I can relate to your *hiding from the bad boss* story. The horror! Luckily I’ve also had like ten billion lovely female bosses and mentors who have been fabulous, nurturing and like big sisters, friends, etc. Good bosses are out there. I hope the universe connects you with someone worthy of you next go round on the job carousel.
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Oh friend, I’m so glad that I could see you in that moment. I’m sending you so much love. Your comments mean so much to me. I’m sorry that you had an awful phone call.
It’s reassuring to know that there are decent ones out there. I mean, I knew there had to be, but I’m still so triggered by my past experiences that it’s difficult for me to see past them.
Sending you a big hug. I appreciate you so much. 🙂
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