Friends, Grief, Life, Universe, Writing

wake up calls

Kari

i was scrolling through instagram this weekend and i saw some brilliant pictures of fall trees from all of the accounts that i follow. people who are living their best autumn lives. i collapsed onto my accupressure mat and began to cry. i feel like i’ve spent the last year only looking ahead. i’ve been surviving rather than living.

i have been doing a lot of taking care of people for 14 months. i also feel like i’ve been sleepwalking through my life since last august. actually, since may of 2022, when my childhood best friend died and i refused to admit publicly how much it devastated me. i hadn’t spoken to her in almost four years, and i felt ashamed for feeling so devastated.

it took me over a year to no longer feel devastated.

i’ve been noticing things lately that i can only describe as wake up calls.

the biggest one was mike falling down the stairs and breaking his leg, but there have been smaller wake up calls that have made me wonder if I needed a big one to slow down so that i could take in less important wake up calls. i hate even using the word “less important.” is there a better word?

we were supposed to drive to iowa the weekend after his accident. while writhing in pain in the emergency room, mike (who doesn’t always believe in my woo-woo) looked at me and said, “maybe the universe didn’t want us to go to iowa.”

maybe.

car breakdowns

chipmunks at the window

the train horns

mike and I were on our way home from getting his handicap placard one afternoon. a man was being pursued by police on a busy road after a robbery near our house and was driving the wrong way toward us at a high rate of speed. long story short, we were almost in a car accident.

i recorded this video right after it happened. we were in shock as we sat in a nearby parking lot. the sirens are responding to the crash that happened after he passed us. the driver was killed. fortunately, no one else was.

read up on the burnt toast theory. there is a similar buddhist way of thinking. equanimity and non-resistance. i’ve written about it before. that, i believe, saved us on this particular day.

it might be difficult to see, but those are lilacs blooming on the side of my house. they’re blooming. in october.

i’ll share video of my soul garden in my what i kept post, but for now, here’s a picture of it:

hearing this song every time i am in my car. the lyrics: “i’m wide awake. i’m wide awake. i’m wide awake. i’m not sleeping.”

the week my post titled ebb and flow was published, i opened a book on the shelf at the library to this exact page. obviously, I had to read the book, and it ended up being really good.

i’m seeing “ebb and flow” everywhere.

this page was found inside the same book. i really needed to read this. i thought maybe some of you might need to read this as well.

the cool song synchronicity game with bijoux

let me go by heaven 17

may 2016

i found the above picture in my phone. it was taken when i visited john hughes’ grave with mike, my late friend, and her husband. we saw this flower and a note there, and it made us all feel something. i remember her putting her arm around me as we sat there.

i had completely forgotten about that picture, but it popped into my mind this month.

i’m not sure why, but i’m also seeing ursula le guin everywhere this month.

these were shared in a friend’s post:

Ursula K. Le Guin on Change, Menopause as Rebirth, and the Civilizational Value of Elders – The Marginalian

Ursula K. Le Guin on Growing Older and What Beauty Really Means – The Marginalian

what do these wake up calls mean?

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39 thoughts on “wake up calls”

  1. I think your wake up calls mean that you are awake and living in the present, not sleepwalking. I can remember times in my life when I felt like the universe (or something) was speaking pretty directly to me. It was a little spooky, but in a really cool way. (The new books shelf at the library had a particularly direct line to my life.)

    Maybe it is the universe or some force I don’t know/understand, but I prefer to think that it is something within us. I have a REAL big problem with “everything happens for a reason,” but it’s really helpful for me to think that I can find meaning in everything that happens. I think *we* are the universe, and these signs and coincidences (serendipity) happen when we are fully awake and paying attention. I think the things we see in these periods are always there, but we’re so often skimming along the surface of life that we don’t usually see them. I think it’s only when we get broken by something that we are more easily able to. (The cracks are how the light gets in, right?)

    But, this is just me and what kind of thinking works for me. Offering only in case there’s something useful in there for you.

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    1. That book was on the New Books shelf at my library!

      That way of thinking bothers me as well. I think it’s someone tapping on my window, trying to get my attention. I think I thought I was awake, but I was actually sleepier than I realized.

      What’s interesting is that I found out my friend had cancer while I was just beginning my soul homework and healing. When I found out she was dying, I told myself, “I am fine with not saying goodbye.” I have regretted that since. I’ve since discovered that I wasn’t healed at all during that time. The timing wasn’t right, unfortunately.

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      1. Oh, Kari. I’m so sorry you’ve had that experience. I have had similar. I think I was too afraid and in denial about what was really happening. I had such regrets when it was too late to make other choices. Which means we are both very human, I think. And, you know, part of being human is learning, right? The more I live, the more awake I become. I want to say that it’s a nice consolation prize for the losses that come with getting older, but it doesn’t really feel like consolation. Maybe more like reward.

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      2. Denial. YES. Now I can see the big picture of our relationship and see both my and her parts.

        Rita, I’m sorry you had to go through this as well. I’m sending you a huge hug. Man, I wish we lived closer so we could meet for coffee.

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  2. My hydrangeas are blooming all of a sudden too after no blooms at all all summer. So weird!! I’m not sure what message the universe is trying to send since it does seem like you are awake enough to see and notice them….

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  3. I am so glad you escaped the car accident. How terrifying. And thank you for the link to the equanimity post — it was very useful to read and I am going to mull over that for awhile. The pages you photographed from the Fearless Writer are very useful too.

    It sounds like life has been really, enduringly rough for a long time. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through that. I am so glad that you still find the time/energy to observe and share these little jarring interactions with the universe. I hope there are more late blooming lilacs and fewer falls down the stairs in your future. xxoo

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  4. Like others, I think your wake up calls are proof that you’re awake and aligned. I’m sorry about it being a difficult time but it does seem you’re moving through it and gleaning much insight and wisdom. I loved the parts on ebb and flow and equanimity and about some friends not being great writing travel companions. So many rich wonderful nuggets of truth in your post. Thanks so much for sharing!🥰🙏

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  5. I like the burnt toast theory. I believe it without having ever heard of it before. It reminds me of the saying: Man’s rejection is God’s protection. Once you wake up to what matters to you and allows you to do your best, burnt toast is nothing to fret about. It wasn’t before but now you know for sure it isn’t.

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  7. Kari, thank you SO MUCH for sharing the “Ebb and Flow” excerpt from that book. As you know, I spent a little over two months in Japan and that was where I started absorbing their whole philosophy; ebb and flow being one of them. And the Japanese just don’t say it, they LIVE it. I learned so much during that summer.

    For me, especially being a Libra, it’s always been about finding the balance. And as long as I’ve practiced it, it still remains a challenge.

    Enjoyed reading Travel companions as well. Not only did I find it excellent when it comes to writing, but life in general.

    For me, wake up calls serve as periodic “nudges” or “winks” that keep me focused on living NOW. In the moment. It’s hard to do that when things seem to fall apart (or fall away). But in looking back over my life, I can clearly see there was a reason for every single thing (including the challenging stuff) for me to learn from.

    I once had a session with an Indian shaman, who suggested that whenever I’m going through tough and challenging times to imagine myself as a eagle, flying above my life looking down at it. And in doing so, I would eventually get a different perspective of “why.”

    Sharing much positive energy and love with you, my friend!

    (((((((((((((((( XXXX YOU XXXX ))))))))))))))))))

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    1. They really do live it there. I’d like to visit Japan someday.

      I love that you went to see a Shaman! What’s fascinating is that I discovered my friend wished to be reincarnated as a hawk in her next life. Hearing you say this in the comments brings everything full circle. ❤️

      I feel that positive energy, my friend. I am so grateful for you! I hope you know it! 😘

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  8. I 100% believe in wake up calls and the universe giving signs. Sometimes when we submit to the struggle we can see what we need to. But submitting to the struggle is very hard and often very painful. I’m so sorry things have been so hard for you in the past 14 months. Sending lots of love and hugs. xoxoxo

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  9. Oh, trust me, I’m not living my best Autumn life. I’m just making check marks on the list. I’ve not enjoyed a single day outdoors, between too much to do and the weather being so damp, rainy, and cold. But today is supposed to be 70 degrees and I’m going to go outside (and dismantle flower pots, etc., but at least enjoy some sun).

    Your near accident is alarming! My son-in-law’s sister was killed by a wrong way driver. I’ve been hearing that more and more lately. I’m so glad you were unharmed, but that’s a wake up call like no other.

    I specifically remember walking and listening to your podcast about your friend. That is very hard stuff to process. I’ve lost touch with a number of friends, of varying degrees of closeness. And sadly, googling them has led to a lot of obituaries. I was particularly blown away when I googled a college boyfriend as we were driving through his hometown of Strasburg last summer and saw that he’d died a month before. It weighs on you, that’s for sure.

    Just know I’m thinking about you during this difficult time in your life. XO

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    2. We need a do-over. I told Mike that once his boot comes off, we are going to do something regardless of the weather. Today is also a beautiful day! I hope you get to do lots of fun things outside!

      Oh my goodness! I am deeply sorry for your son-in-law’s family’s loss. That is tragic.

      When I wrote about my friend, I remember you telling me about your college boyfriend’s death. Nobody prepares us for things like this. They do, however, prepare us for baking cakes and conjugating verbs. Gah. 🤣

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      1. Well, thank you, his family’s tragedy was over 20 years ago. But it’s something you never get over. I’m headed outside after I take my daughter to work in an hour! Yeah!

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  10. Wow. That near-miss was a little too close for comfort. I love the burnt toast theory (though I prefer mine lightly browned) and believe the Universe works in mysterious ways. That broken leg might very well have saved you from a worse fate in Iowa.

    I shall now be listening to some U2, thanks to you, too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My Irish father-in-law loves burnt toast. In restaurants, he even tells them to make his toast burnt. 🤣

      That’s what we said to each other in the emergency room that night.

      I’ve been listening to U2 all week. 🖤

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  11. The burned toast theory is definitely something to think about! I’d never heard of it before, but I won’t forget it. I’m so glad you were not in the accident and so sorry that you’ve experienced so many hard things. I’m in a better place after experiencing some hard things, but I feel like I’m always looking over my shoulder now.

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  12. I love your dahlias.

    Sorry about Mike. That temporary parking card is brilliant.

    I’d never heard of the burnt toast theory. Thanks for the share of that interesting article.

    Sending healing vibes.

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  13. I’ve never heard of the Burnt Toast Theory, but I think of stuff like that often. Like, maybe that is why it was hard for me to leave the house today? Maybe that is why I had to stop for gas? Hmmmm….so much to think about.
    I’m so sorry you’ve had such a rough road the last few years. Praying things look UP for you and yours.

    Wake up calls? Girl, you are wide awake!

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    1. It has changed my perspective on little inconveniences. We stopped at the tire place on our way to get the handicap placard, and Mike commented on how the person in front of us was taking their sweet time. That woman, I believe, saved our lives.

      Thank you so much, my friend. I’m seeing glimmers of goodness in the midst of the badness. It has been extremely helpful when there is so much GAHHHHH. 🤣

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  14. Sheesh . . . that near accident is scary stuff. I had never heard of the burnt toast theory, but I do see that sort of thing fairly regularly. Coach is?good at pointing out to me- BULLET DODGED. Or HAPPENED FOR A REASON. Usually this relates to my daycare. When one family leaves or their dates of care needed don’t align with what I have available.

    Sorry that things have been challenging for you for such a lengthy stretch. Hoping there is a shift headed your way soon.

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    1. I like how he points those things out to you. I, too, require a gentle nudge from time to time. When I’m down, Mike is good at doing that.

      We just found out this morning that Mike needs another CT scan. We’re hoping it’s just a precaution. I’m hoping for a change as well, my friend. ❤️

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  15. I’d not heard about the Burnt Toast theory (I don’t use TikTok) but I do like it. I’ve been working on re-framing a lot recently. It doesn’t always work, but I am persevering.

    I’m a great believer in wake up calls, or for the things we need to see to be under our nose at the moment we need them. The important thing is to notice them and to act on them, both of which you are doing. Take good care, you’ve certainly been through the mill and back.

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  16. Yay! What good news that Mike is walking again. All the very best for the speediest of recoveries and a return to something akin to normal for you both.

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