Humor, Life, Menopause, Soul Homework

Giving facebook the Big F-You

Writer McWriterson

I started writing the word facebook with the little letter f, rather than the capital letter f because I didn’t want to give it the power it didn’t deserve.

Because it has robbed me of my power for the previous 12 years.

This has been especially true since March.

Person Standing Near Trees

I needed to take a break for my health and my mental well-being.

My parents had left facebook around the end of July, I believe. They just decided they were done, and when my mom told me, I thought, “Wow, that sounds absolutely wonderful. I wish I could do that.”

Why can’t I do that?

Why won’t I do that?

What is this hold that facebook has on me?

There were many reasons I wanted to leave facebook over the years, but it has been since the pandemic that facebook has gotten much worse for me.

I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety. So, simply put, Facebook is not good for me; it exposes all of my weakness and makes me feel horrible about myself. People who do not have anxiety (or any other mental health issue) will not understand any of this, which is fine. If you don’t understand any of this, I’m happy for you.

Side note-I did some research, and discovered that in fact, facebook makes everyone feel sad, not just those of us who suffer from mental health issues. In fact, it was purposefully designed to do so. Yes, it preyed on people’s insecurities. Continue reading.

Macbook Keyboard

So I quit Facebook one day in August. People in my blog’s private group were the only people I informed. I didn’t notify my facebook “friends,” just my small group, so they’d know what was going on if the group went POOF.

When I first left facebook, I didn’t deactivate my account because of the private blog group. We were sharing funny memes and whatnot, and it was healing for myself and other people throughout the pandemic; it was a kind and caring space.

However, after a few weeks, I deactivated my account because I felt so good after leaving. I needed to look after myself because I was in such a good place. It wasn’t until I started minimizing things in my life over the years that I realized how much less was better for my mental health, and then I realized that this could also apply to the concept of people.

Toxic people and toxic social media conversation have no place in my life any longer.

Even conversations I wasn’t a part of that would appear strangely in my feed (which I now know were there for a reason) became trapped in my head because anxiety does that. It prevents you from forgetting anything.

It was a quiet Saturday afternoon when I finally deactivated my account for good.

Originally, I hadn’t planned to deactivate because I didn’t want to lose all of my pictures and memories, but I did what is called a temporary deactivation so that the pictures and memories wouldn’t be completely erased. But with that deactivation, my Messenger disappeared, so if that was the only way to contact me previously, you won’t be able to do so in the future.

I am sorry if we didn’t connect before I pulled the plug, but I made the decision on the spur of the moment. I was eager to be done and move on.

I left Facebook many years ago and then returned, but I’m not going back. It has never once filled my bucket. It has never felt like a safe space.

Man In Yellow Protective Suit

If you want to get off facebook as well, here are a few articles to check out:

How I ditched the social media spiral in 3 simple steps

What happens when you get off Facebook for four weeks? Stanford researchers found out. 

Coronavirus depression spike suggests social media is no substitute for real-life (well, no shit)

Edited to add one more: how I got digital minimalism right the second time around (includes eight tips to reduce screen time).

Then, as if the Universe was listening, I came across this on Friday night when looking for a movie to watch:

Here are a number of articles that just felt good as of late:

How imperfection will set you free

A blueprint for believing you are enough

Why confidence is the key to a simple life

Everyone has their own social media place that they love (or not), but my time on facebook has come to an end, and I feel much better on the inside as a result.

What is your preferred social media outlet? What is the one social media account that is the hardest one for you to get rid of? (Mine would most likely be Instagram, which ironically is owned by facebook GAH. ) 

53 thoughts on “Giving facebook the Big F-You”

  1. I haven’t left Facebook officially since our homeschooling hiking group uses it to plan hikes but I only click through to Facebook twice a week— once through the email inviting me to our hike so I know when and where to meet the group and then once on Wednesday night to know what was the most clicked link in our blog link up that I host on Thursdays. Other than that I really don’t go on there at all. I don’t even have it on my phone and so far my kids (thankfully!) aren’t into social media at all.

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    1. You bring up such an interesting topic on this. So I stayed on facebook for an extra year solely because of homeschool groups. So I agree with you on the connection aspect of that and I will truly miss that. But after the pandemic it got clogged with so many people with so many questions and my feed was filled to the point of congestion. I couldn’t do it any longer.
      BUT I do have a good tip for those who are still on there for this reason: TURN OFF NOTIFICATIONS.
      I haven’t had notifications on for years and I was with someone last year whose phone was dinging on and on and I was like, what is that familiar noise? It was their facebook notifications. I was like, TURN THAT OFF, GIRL! No one needs to hear that all day.

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  2. I have been meaning to watch that documentary since a friend recommended it to me. I feel so torn about this. There are people I truly care about that I connect with only through FB. It’s the thing that keeps me tethered. I find that when big events are happening (such as the fires here this past week), I really want the information and connection I find there. But other than these two things, I know it’s not doing anything for me and is harmful if I spend too much time there.

    I keep reminding myself that I lived decades without that kind of connection. Was I happier? In some ways yes, in others no. I’m so grateful to reconnect with old friends. Some of those online connections have resulted in in-person ones. I am geographically distant from so many of my closest people. If I were physically closer to them, I think this question might have a different answer for me.

    I really appreciate you sharing your experience and totally understand, respect, and support your decision. I wish I were in the same place, tbh. I’m still in process.

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    1. Bingo to the second paragraph in your comment. The first paragraph is what kept me on facebook for the first 12 years. I don’t need to reconnect with a lot of the people in my past in the manner I was reconnecting on facebook but that has nothing to do with facebook maybe and more to do with the people I was reconnecting with.

      I respect where you are in your process but I am glad to share this information and this documentary and its timing. I feel like it is kismet. I am at peace with all of it and I don’t honestly miss it at all. I am not saying it to prove a point like I did in 2011 or 12, I forget when it was when I left before. I think I wanted to be self-righteous or some bullshit back then. Now, I am doing it for myself completely and not making a statement. I love how I feel inside after leaving and I don’t miss how hollow or shitty I felt while being on there.

      I am so happy for YOU that you have good connections there. I am genuine when I say that to you. I only share the backstory on facebook for those who don’t have that experience so that they don’t feel alone.

      My book is about being seen. That is the underlying theme and even the title is similar so that is why I wanted to write this post. 🙂

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  3. Bravo! This is something I’ve wanted to do for so long, and yet I haven’t been able to do. I definitely spend way less time there than I used to.

    We also watched The Social Dilemma this weekend, and it included a lot of things I already knew, but also some big effects I hadn’t realized. Very eye opening.

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      2. Yes! Ella is almost 13 and is only allowed on TikTok but I won’t let her use facebook, Instagram or Snapchat until high school. Now, it is a lot easier to regulate because she is home now but social media is such a bad thing for kids.
        I’m so glad we didn’t have it growing up. That statement alone makes me realize that my children shouldn’t have it either. 😢

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  4. I’m so glad you quit the fb for your own personal reasons AND that you feel better already. Good for you, and I’m not saying that in my sarcastic good for you way. 🙂
    I’ve thought about quitting it too, but there really are so many people that I would not be able to converse/visit with if not for fb. I have however deleted people on my feed who are into the negativity of life; I don’t need that and it’s not good for my soul.
    For some reason, I do not enjoy Instagram. Maybe I’m doing it wrong? So I just don’t do it.
    Jeff and I started watching the Social Dilemma this weekend and I kind of had a feeling that this was how it was going to be….we will finish it soon. It’s totally CRAZY!!!

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    1. I am really lucky to have this blog and my beautiful and supportive readers (THAT INCLUDES YOU).
      Second, I have an amazing immediate family that lives in my home (and at college, WE MISS YOU INSANELY, ANNA).
      Third, I have the best mom and dad whom I talk to daily on the phone.
      And I have the most supportive friends I text daily.
      These four systems keep me sane, period.

      Without any of the above, I wouldn’t have had the support to leave facebook, honestly.
      I am so glad you have goodness surrounding you on there and I know you do because I am an observer and the little time I was your facebook friend, I saw your amazing group of friends and what they wrote on your posts. You have a beautiful support system there that loves you, Suz and I see why you get more out of it than I did.

      Everyone has their social media outlet where they connect more and I have been on Instagram since probably 2011? So it has been this slow building of my community there. I keep it small on purpose, even when I was told by “influencers” to HASHTAG, to GROW YOUR AUDIENCE, I was running in the other direction and I love the community I have created there. It feels genuine. I never felt that on facebook for ME.

      Crazy, yes. When the senator from Minnesota talks to Tristan Harris about the future of his grandkids, how scared should we be? That hit me hard.

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    1. Thank you! I finally feel happier than I have in a long time.
      I just talked to my friend who is also helping me edit the book and I am nearing the final weeks and have made changes that have set me back a little but good changes. ❤️

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      2. I hope it will. I definitely think you will like it because you will be able to relate to what I have gleaned from the information you’ve told me about your menopause journey. I hope it makes it to print because that seems to be the biggest hurdle but I am up to the task. I am making this my pandemic project. 🙂

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  6. Sometimes I think an anthology of stories from people who have suffered from lifelong anxiety would be neat.

    Kudos on getting away from something that causes you so much mental stress. I either unfriended a ton and unfollowed almost everyone else. And, gee, isn’t that the point of the social network, to not be social with hardly anyone? Gahhh. I keep feeling like it’s so important to stay connected and find outlets to socialize, but then reduce.

    You can always message me on IG or get my info to text if you need someone to talk to.

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    1. Yes! That is a great idea. Anxiety from different perspectives is such a beneficial resource because it doesn’t look the same in everybody. I might steal that idea from you? Or have people give me anecdotes so that I could have little quotes at the beginning of every chapter. I don’t know I just love the idea of this.

      We need to talk…Because I don’t want to steal this from you if this is something you may wanna do as an anthology. This wouldn’t take away from my book at all. ❤️

      That was exactly how I was feeling and exactly to my point that I didn’t even illustrate in this post. I was unfollowing and unfriending so many people that I wasn’t being social on social media. I have a little blurb in my book about self-care and I wrote something about how really everyone is lonely on social media, some of us are just better at pretending than others. 😂

      The same goes for you as well. Any time. And I’m not just talk, I’m action. I promise. ❤️😘❤️

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      1. Go for it! At most, it would be something I would self-publish. I’ve been wanting to create a business of sorts where I take care of everything for aspiring self-publish writers, from editing to formatting to publishing on one of the platforms available, and between the fiction ideas and that, I wouldn’t touch an anthology for quite some time anyway.

        Thank goodness for IG at least.

        ❤️❤️ (Just not email for me, because I realized earlier than I haven’t checked my linked email in 3 months, sigh.)

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      2. There should be a publishing house for people who want to write and not really give a fuck if they make money. They just want their work in print. The big five publishing houses (or however many there are) make it nearly impossible to get in and I don’t want to self publish simply because I am not an entrepreneur. So I can’t market myself, I don’t know how to do it. Like, I don’t know how to do that. My brain doesn’t work that way.

        You should start that publishing house, Erika.

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      3. That’s what I was thinking. And some anthologies for people who want to publish short stories, but don’t have enough to fill their own books. Do it by genre or whatever periodically. I bought an amazeballs (yet expensive) software when I self-published my book, and it makes getting everything ready to upload to Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Ingram Print (the company that will make it available everywhere from Walmart to Books-A-Million). They all require things to be just slightly different, which makes formatting a headache otherwise. Now I want to start planning again. Last time I got as far as coming up with the gist of it — what I’d offer and so on — and looking up to see if a couple of names I liked were trademarked.

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  7. You’re exactly right. I left FB a long time ago and I’ve never been happier. I also got rid of Twitter and ever other ‘social media’ site I was on (except wordpress). The old ways were far better. Life was far better before cell phones and the internet.

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    1. You got that right. I need to incrementally get rid of Twitter then possibly POSSIBLY Instagram. Instagram will be hard. But I was talking to my mom today and she said she didn’t want to get rid of Pinterest and I said, then don’t! Who cares if they are making money off of you? The point is if it makes you happy then go for it! But facebook never made me happy. Thank God for WordPress. Blogs have saved my life since 2010. 🙂

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  8. So, first, chatty cat says: “Bonjour“ (really, she’s right here saying “Meow” er “Mais oui”). 🙂 Second, I never joined Facebook. I know! Hearing things now, I feel like I’ve escaped something. Congrats to you for leaving. Imagine it was hard. As someone who never had it…. I’ve found that the people who actually care about you will still involve you in their lives. Geez oh Pete, there’s only about 70 billion other ways to get in touch! Imagine back in the day when it was just letters or phone calls.

    Anyone remember long distance? “You can talk to Grandma but speak really really fast okay hun?”

    What really bums me about FB being Evil, tho, is that so many non Evil groups (support groups, hobby groups, etc) use it. Pre FB these places existed elsewhere. Listservs, xeroxed newsletters, church, etc. But now? You must FB to access. I’ve encountered this rigid dead end trying to help an older relative. She can’t FB, so that resource is locked. My hope is that something else will emerge, something not motivated by profit.

    PS. Can’t wait for your book! (Tho u r freaking me out about the big M!)

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    1. You “dodged a bullet” for lack of a horrible term, by never joining facebook. I grew up in the days of calling on a phone (WITHOUT CALL WAITING IMAGINE THAT) and actually having to sit by the phone because the cord didn’t stretch that far. I also remember having to write letters to my friends at college, to my long-distance boyfriend, and so on. The original facebook. I remember having to get off the phone at certain times because of “party lines”. I am REALLY dating myself.

      YESSS. I agree with that.

      I haven’t worked on my book in days because I have been doing things like editing pictures and eating M&M’s. BECAUSE OF MENOPAUSE.
      Oh, and it’s not as scary as everyone would have you think.
      Okay, maybe a little but my book will lead you down the path. It will be okay. I got you. 🙂

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  9. As you know, I have disabled FB on my phone, so now I can only go on when I’m on my laptop. I scrolled through a couple of times today for maybe two minutes each time and it was the same ol’ stuff, different day. I don’t even care if I’m on it anymore. I’d get rid of it altogether but honestly, I do use it to keep in touch with certain friends and family members that I’d never otherwise “talk” to. And I do enjoy that. I also belong to a couple of private groups (one for moms who have lost a child from drugs) that I wouldn’t have any other way to keep in touch with.

    And as you also know, I too have Anxiety (with a capital A!) and you are absolutely right that FB makes it worse. I’m going to read the links you posted – thank you for those.

    I have a Twitter account, but I rarely go on it. Twitter has never appealed to me in any which way.

    I love Instagram because of all the beautiful photos, uplifting words (I rarely see any negativity on IG) and no drama! Thus said, sometimes I feel inadequate or envious when I see photos of huge, perfect houses with the most gorgeous decor or those who have tons of beautiful land all around them, etc. Then I know it’s time to get off my frickin’ phone!

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    1. It’s funny you say that about facebook because I left even though I have friends and family like that too. For me, it just didn’t matter anymore. My anxiety was becoming too much of a problem that I wasn’t willing to risk it to keep in touch with certain family or friends. Also, not all of my friends were close to me; a lot were just acquaintances which is another story altogether. The term “friends” on facebook annoys me to this day because it’s truly an oxymoron.

      I feel like you will like some of those links and they will help you too! Let me know what you think.

      Twitter is good in small doses for me and is where I get most of my news now. Instagram is my favorite social media place and Pinterest too.

      I don’t follow too many people on Instagram, keeping my circle small has always helped my anxiety. I also am not impressed by the so-called “big-name” home and DIY bloggers, like we talked about at coffee last week. It isn’t always what it seems. 🙂

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  10. Good for you, Kari!! I always deactivate around elections and every single Thanksgiving-Christmas season, but quit for almost a year (as in deleted and lost everything) about two year ago. When my daughter changed to a school that posts a lot of updates/pictures, I rejoined. I have 33 friends. I am related to all but three of them by blood or marriage. The 3 I’m not related to are my children’s godparents. It’s still not easy – especially this year – seeing what some people choose to post, but I don’t see deleting it again. I do have time limits on it though and Jesse has the passcode.

    I’m going to go look up the docs you mentioned. I’m still boggles by how insidious SM can be.

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    1. So earlier this year when we all locked down, Ella joined Messenger for kids, and just seeing her picture on facebook broke my heart for some reason. She has this amazing spirit that just exudes happiness and pure joy. It was when I realized that facebook would most definitely take that joy and just blow it to pieces that I needed to get out. She gets her anxiety from me and we mirror each other. It was like seeing little me on facebook and I felt this sadness if that makes any sense? She actually didn’t enjoy Messenger for Kids at all and it made me realize she is such a better version of myself and I know she will do just fine but it was the first time that I had a moment of, I need to get the hell out of here (in regards to facebook).

      I think you will be so shocked and yet not, by that documentary. Definitely give it a watch.

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  12. I feel this so hard. At this point every social media platform aside from TikTok is utterly depressing. Facebook because of the divisiveness and Instagram because it just makes me feel like I’m not enough. I’ve been trying to stay off both. I think this post was the push I needed to finally kill it. Figure out who the heck I am without all of the comparison.

    I’m going to watch that movie tonight, just the preview is chilling!

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    1. Let me know what you think after watching it. I really want to know your thoughts.
      I unfollowed a lot of people on Instagram or muted them.
      I have a really nice group on Instagram that is genuine. No DIY or “fake” accounts at all. I told Anna to do the same. No one with “perfect” lives; you know what I mean. Take those out of your feed and see if that makes a difference for a week or so.
      You can also mute them in your stories too.
      I need to have a social media platform with a sense of no reality if that makes sense. I can get all the real I need on Twitter but I need my Instagram to be oblivious to the shitstorm that is our country.

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  13. Social media is pure evil. I really think it has stunted me creatively due to the perfection complex. And facebook is a cesspool of hatred. You are an inspiration. I’m going to watch that documentary and hopefully it tips me over the breaking point to finally break up with all my socials.

    TikTok excluded of course 😉

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  14. Here I am a day late and a dollar short . . . took two tots to the zoo yesterday and then had a bunch of stuff I had to get done and I read no blogs. I am already jones-ing for a nap and it is 9 am, so trying to read up before I spend the afternoon snoozing. (only if all the stars align).

    First, glad you decided to leave a place that was not contributing to your happiness.

    Second, I am not a big social media user. I use FB to share videos and photos with my babysitting people in a private group, which is super handy. Of course one of the moms had to tell me how to set up a group when I was bummed that I couldn’t text them video clips of the kids at the zoo.

    My facebook is very spotty – meaning I am not big on adding friends or accepting friends – I just don’t pay much attention to it, and I feel like it is an incomplete sampling of people I know. I just don’t bother with it. There are people on there that I found annoying, like those who post EVERYTHING they do. Yawn.

    And, I’m sure this will come as a shock to you, I use no other social media. I am an almost 50 year old pretending to be 80. Sigh. From the sound of it, I am not missing much. When I do scroll facebook, I glance at the clock and think – wow there’s 20 minutes I will never get back. I cannot afford that.

    Excited about your book writing progress. You go girl!

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    1. You are better for not using social media, trust me on this. TRUST ME. 😂

      I totally understand why you would need to remain on facebook for babysitting. That is a perfect example of when social media works.

      I feel like where the book is concerned I take two steps forward and three steps backwards. Menopause is always getting in the way of my menopause book. Ironic.

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  15. I am so happy that you pulled the plug. I think we need to be aware of what is going on, how we are being manipulated and take action. After watching the documentary I am so much more aware of what is going on around me in terms of social media. Having said all that, I will keep FB because that is the only place I can connect with a lot of family and friends. I only go on to check my messages and to visit a few of my favorite groups anyway. My big time suck is Instagram. What are your thoughts on that one? Do you feel its like fb or its own brand of evil?

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    1. Don’t you have a lot of family overseas too? That is another good point. For people who have family overseas financially it makes more sense to stay on social media because it’s cheaper than a long distance phone call. That is another instance of social media making sense.

      That’s a hard one. When I went to the website for the documentary, they listed toxic apps. They said Instagram is okay as long as you aren’t following accounts that set unreal expectations or make you feel bad about yourself, it’s okay.

      My mom and I had a conversation about this yesterday in regards to Pinterest. We know that they’re all making money off of us. Every day all the social media accounts are making so much money off of us. The differences is that Pinterest makes my mom feel good. Pinterest is a way for me to decompress at the end of the day. So I’m okay with them making money at my expense. Facebook was continually making me feel like crap and I was taking that into my daily life. And the CEO of facebook knows this. He goes to bed each night on his very expensive bed knowing his algorithms are set to make people feel poorly about themselves so that he can make more money. And that is pretty horrible.

      So instagram is a hard one for me because it is also owned by facebook and I’m having such a hard time with that because I love the community I have there. I wish I could take the community I have there and migrated to another social media platform that isn’t owned by Facebook.

      Help me with that conundrum.

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      1. That would be the perfect solution. To have Insta migrate. I do have family overseas and we talk through facebook messenger all day long so it is definitely worth it.

        I think as long as they are not affecting us negatively it is safe but we need to be aware too.

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  16. I’ve not watched that show yet but I’ve been a big FaceBook hater practically right from the beginning. I’ve not pulled the plug but then I rarely check in. Mainly, I kept it for family issues as it seems that’s the only way this fractured family can communicate…despite the fact that my brother has my cell number (that is a whole another story for another day) and a few random friends. But everyone who knows me well knows; if you want to reach me text or email is the way to go. I don’t have the app on my phone so if I do want to check in, I have to manually log in – and that’s a pain, so it doesn’t happen. Twitter…I like it (after I muted a bunch of words and people) but still drives me crazy sometimes. I’m fairly new to Instagram but I have been VERY selective about the accounts I follow – I find that being very selective on social media is the only way to go, really, if you are going to participate. Otherwise, it will ALL make you anxious, even if you aren’t anxious with a capital A to begin with. So, all that to say, I’m glad you dumped FaceBook. I’ve got a friend that I really, really wish she would dump it; as she is so insecure and I think it makes her more so.

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    1. It just isn’t good for anyone but especially for those of us who are anxious, to begin with. I do know that some people like drama and say they don’t lol. I think we both know people like that. They can’t stay away. I don’t miss it at all.

      I like Twitter for news in doses but even that gets a bit too much. I am on there for about 20 minutes a day and that is just enough. 🙂

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  17. I could have written this post myself. I hate Facebook so much and yet, I stay on there. I’m not on it as much as I used to be but every time I go on there I get so annoyed by either someone bragging about their life or someone being ignorant or just toxic people. And honestly, I hated half the people I went to high school with and most of my extended family so why AM I on Facebook? 😂😂
    Oh I feel better. I am so glad I have your blog to read and then the comments section to feel less alone and to vent to as well.
    You are saving me money on therapy bills. 😂

    Good for you, Kari!

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    1. You’re making me laugh. I had the same kind of gripes too.
      I think we all feel a similar kind of way. I feel like facebook feels very much like high school for many of us and I was so glad to get out of there. 😂

      I am glad my blog is a good space for you. All joking aside. That makes me very happy.

      My therapist bill is in the mail, however. 😘

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  18. I’m still on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Both Facebook and Twitter are depressing but also how I catch up with others and what is going on in the world. I have conquered (I think) my former compulsion to refute every stupid comment and fake post I encounter – I am able to JUST. SCROLL. PAST. Imagine how much scrolling I have to do! Now I just go on FB and Twitter to keep that muscle in tone…it’s like my cardio, really.😉 Instagram is still nice, so far. Lots of pretty pictures. I stay out of the comments, mostly. I will check out that doc. Thanks, Writer!

    Deb

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  19. Sounds like leaving was the best thing you could do. For me I left fb completely a few years back but really missed the connections since it was (and is) the only social media platform used. After eventually re-joining, the friends list was greatly limited to people with whom I have an actual relationship. As a result, and for the most part, I avoid seeing all the crap. If someone posts something crazy from another sight then the underlying sight gets blocked. For the most part this has worked, allowing me to stay connected to family/friends spread all over the country without seeing the vast majority of the inflammatory or negative. Also, limited use is a big help; there are many, many days during which going on line is not even a thought. After that happens I end up liking a million posts/pics resulting in what my family calls the Aunt Betsy blowup (because some of those crazy kids haven’t turn off notifications!). 😹 Bottom line is it can be managed but it takes a little effort so it all depends on what works for each person. No one should feel bad about walking away. If it doesn’t bring you joy then just don’t do it! 💖

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  20. I have anxiety and depression. I quit and rejoined multiple times over a 13 year period. Constantly unfriending and refriending then eventually some people got tired of me, which is understandable. But it seemed to get really bad starting in 2015 heading into the Trump Presidency. There was so much vitriol spewed from all sides,I just had to leave to keep sane. And have. And I have no regrets.

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